just some musings on insecurity
it hasn�t. i still have my days � hell, pretty much every day, actually, when i am steeped in boiling hot insecurity. though i know that making this move to san diego is the bravest thing i�ve ever done, and probably will ever do in my life, and the 20 (give or take a few) pounds i�ve lost since thanksgiving certainly has helped my looks a bit, i still find myself comparing myself to everyone around me, and people i don�t know.
myspace can be a bitch that way. pictures of beautiful people, right there, mocking you.
and since i�ve been here, i have encountered some of the sweetest, nicest people in the world. people who have an amazing sense of self. they are poised, and confident. and i wish to emulate them so badly. these artists, actors, hippies, punk rock princesses, goths, gayboys�there are pieces of them that i wish i could capture and somehow place into myself. i�ve always been that way. i see everyone�s beautiful uniqueness and special qualities.
and then there�s me. black t-shirt, jeans wearing me. long boring brown hair with the split ends because i haven�t cut it in two years because it took me that damn long to grow it me. the i have no sense of self me. jersey country bumpkin me. i feel so terribly inadequate because i don�t know any scene or this band or that playwright or such-and-such�s philosophy. i don�t know the first thing about acting. and i want to take it all in like a sponge; i want to absorb everything that everyone says about everything and learn it all. but hell, it�s hard when a) you�re always in bars and you can�t always hear, b) you�ve got add like a mofo and you can�t always focus and c) you like to talk too! but i�m sure as hell no one wants to hear about bipolarism and howie day and taking back sunday and scranton, pennsylvania, which seem to be my primary areas of expertise.
oh yes, i�m quite the enthralling individual.
i feel like the freshman in high school tagging along with the cool seniors. and they�re just humoring me. and i don�t want to fall into a pattern of being the giggle-girl, because although that is part of who i am, i don�t want to get a reputation of being an airhead. i certainly have my moments, more often than not, but i�d like to think that i�m not the dumbest creature out there.
posted by: less-than3
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