meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

this is what it sounds like, when doves cry


2006-04-24 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

i woke up every hour last night. EVERY FUCKING HOUR. i closed the window, turned off the fan. i was freezing. every noise disturbed me.

i dreamed of planes falling from the sky and bombs in my backyard. explosions everywhere. destruction and death. flash-forward to another dream -- at the beach. but there were bombs there, too. and planes diving into the ocean, causing tsunami waves that swallowed everyone whole.

my throat is still on fire and i'm so tired and i'm horrible company and i'm afraid of the phone. maybe i should get some tea. but i don't have the strength to move. tears are pouring as i type this.

every vile word that i write is directed towards myself. these nightmares are the mental manifestation of the etchings i no longer put in my skin and sins i no longer purge from my stomach.

i didn't go out last night, and i felt GUILTY for it. as i was laying in bed, trying to sleep, coughing from deep in my chest, i contemplated back and forth - i should just get up, get dressed, and meet up with everyone over at the Zombie. am i letting people down if i don't go? does it matter? will i be disowned as a friend? i want to be liked and loved and i'm trying to be what i should and what i think is expected.

i hate myself. i am letting myself down. i'm letting others down. i'm not doing anything right, am i...? maybe the non-believers were right - maybe i'll be back in new jersey within 2 years' time. maybe i'm not cut out for this. maybe i'm a fuck-up.

i'm feeling extremely guilty for everything i say, do, think and feel. because i'm afraid i'm doing it all wrong, that it is or will be misinterpreted, that i'll fall flat on my face, that i'm just one ginormous faux pas that no matter what, will JUST NOT GET IT RIGHT.

i'm trying, but am i trying hard enough? i don't know, but i don't think so.

and i'm hating myself more and more.


posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

9:17 a.m.
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