meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

just an imposter


2006-05-25 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

i never have a clue what day it is anymore. wednesday? thursday? no clue. apparently it's memorial day weekend? who knew. it doesn't seem to have the same glow, now that i'm
a) jobless
b) in california -- what do people DO here for the holiday?

in NJ, of course, everyone rushes for the shore. i had a dream last night that one of my friends invited me to her house for a BBQ. then we went to the beach. there was garbage everywhere. i lost my cell phone. and a friend of mine from grammar school's brother was hitting on me. just a lot of odd things going on in that sleeping brain of mine.

i'm running out of money. after next month's rent and COBRA payment, i'm pretty much screwed. i'm sick of dealing with employment agencies. they've never done me a hell of a lot of good in the past (pretty ironic that i want to work for one IN-HOUSE, then, isn't it?); between this frustration, and just generally feeling unhealthy, i've become less and less motivated. which is the exact opposite of what i need to be.

i need to get on the grind. i need to be pro-active. i suppose today was a start. i applied for about 20 jobs so far online today. and i haven't even started on the san diego union tribune yet.

but the fact of the matter is, that i'm running out of money, i'm lost and i'm scared. i feel myself crawling more and more into my shell, and caring less and less that i am. i snack continually and my ass and stomach are expanding. i'm bored and eating to kill time and numb myself. fill some sort of void. i'm so stressed that no matter WHAT i eat, i get a stomach-ache. so then i have an excuse to just sleep.

nothing is making sense. i think my meds are reaching that 8-12 month point of "hey, we're just going to decide not to work anymore" -- which of course, is not what i need right now. i want to try holistic/homeopathic therapies, but i can't afford it right now. and i've got more important/urgent things to focus on. supposedly.

but i can barely manage to get my ass out of bed. after waking up every hour all night long, i wake up and watch TLC for a few hours, then finally decide to take a shower, then play around online and snack all day, eventually give up the fight and go to bed. usually before 10pm. then repeat the whole cycle. going to get groceries exhausts me. it's warm outside. i'm coughing and sniffling. everything around me sounds so loud.

i'm scared.

i'm failing, i think. and falling into a hole. down.

i just don't know.

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

3:52 p.m.
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