this is what it sounds like, when doves cry
i'm still congested. my throat still hurts. tomorrow is my first appointment with my new shrink here in cali. this week is moving so slow. i want it to be friday already. why? why. so i can rock out, and get drunk (whoa, DRUUUUUUNK!) and pretend to be something that may just be becoming clear that i am not. but still, i try.
i woke up and wondered, miss meredith, you've been dieting, how come you're not losing anything? then i realized, maybe it's because you wake up in the middle of the night, and spend an hour eating pita chips and hummus, trying to find comfort dipping baked pieces of flat bread in a container of ground up chickpeas?
oh yes...comfort in food, as always.
i thought being alone last night would help. maybe that made it worse. i don't want to be alone. but then i'm afraid of being really shitty company. i'm also afraid of hurting other people with my negativity. i try very hard to be the "goddess of goodness and light" for others -- i want to help others, i want to show them that they don't need to self-destruct, that they are beautiful. their hearts are not black, their souls are not cold, and they do not deserve the pain that they go through.
is it weird that all the thoughts and actions i try to steer people i love away from, are the same ones that i seem to gravitate towards for myself?
i wish i could express all i'm feeling and needing now; it would all get mixed up, misinterpreted, and misunderstood. or would it? i'm fucking lonely, but yet i am feeling this need to be alone. i am picky in my choices of companions. i need affection, the human touch. i am fucking STARVED for it. i swear you'd think i never got hugged as a kid. i'm a very lovey-huggy, smoooooshy kind of person -- ask any of my friends. and i'm very insecure. i need constant reassurance, and even then...i need more. because i pick apart everything. even a slight hesitation puts me in a tailspin.
oh, i do my best to keep it in check. i know that a lot of what i think is irrational. but i've also lived instances where my thoughts have been proven to be not-so-irrational. so when your life proves to be a 50/50 or even 40/60 chance of your so-called "irrational thoughts" being, in fact, ACCURATE...well, you'd be pretty (over)analytical of everything too
i think i need to dye my hair tonight. dark brown. maybe even black. i'm feeling saucy. before friday night, i also need to get my nails done, my eyebrows waxed, and go tanning (i'm too fucking pale for SoCal in august - really). luckily, my shrink appointment tomorrow is at 2pm, so i get to leave work early, and i won't be going back to work afterwards, so i'll have extra time in the afternoon to frolick and get the nails/brows/tanning thing done. w00t.
because hell, if i can't be skinny for this weekend, i'm going to everything within my power to be as pretty as i can. because hell, i'm crazy(ish). and that puts me at a disadvantage with the world. and i'm not model thin/beautiful, so there's another strike against me. but i know what strengths i DO have. i know how to make my hair look it's prettiest, shiny and dark. i'll give myself pretty nails, and thin, pretty brows. oh, note to self: get black eyeliner, you're running out (LOL). i also look better with a little bit of color, so some "sun" will do me good. and i'll wear my skirts this weekend, and show a little cleave. i'll feel better knowing i've done everything i could.
and now i'm going to be a little late to work. LOL.
posted by: less-than3
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