meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

uberlong entry, and i'll be late to work again.


2006-09-08 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

people on adderall be warned: coke zero is liquid crack. granted, people on adderall shouldn't be drinking caffeine to begin with, but something about coke zero...it's extra potent. or maybe it was just yesterday. who knows? we all know how i'm just moody as fuck anyway.

which continues...

the adderall is NOT WORKING like it used to. oh sure, my ATTENTION SPAN is fine, but i'm talking in the fun added bonus of weight loss. i am ballooning like no one's business. i don't have that willpower like i used to. instead of ingesting 400-1000 calories a day, i'm now going upwards of 1500-2000, even more. what the hell? no WONDER nothing's fitting. it's also difficult when you have a life. yeah, when you're spending most of your time at home, sleeping or writing emo angsty blog entries, sure, it's easy to stick to a weight loss plan. but when you are living in san diego and loving life and going to shows (which means you are at bars and venues, etc.) and you have discovered and addiction to burritos and bunuelos and you work in an HR department that happens to LOVE eating, well SHIT.

at least i got sick off of the honey nut chex mix that i ate all day yesterday. maybe i'll steer clear of that stuff for a while. i'm addicted to that stuff. seriously, that's all i ate yesterday, besides the egg mcmuffin that my supervisor bought me for breakfast (see? i told you HR = snacks & treats). today, we're all bringing in a different type of breakfast food for a breakfast potluck, since the VP of HR is out of the office (while the cat's away, the mice will play)! i'm stopping at starbucks and getting muffins/coffee cakes, etc. at least they have reduced fat yummies.

continuing on with the whole eating/food topic -- WHY is it that i always end up dating guys that have metabolisms LYK WHOA? i mean, NOTHING was ever quite as bad as when i dated the psycho-obsessive-posessive-straight-edge-boy. he was 5'9" and weighed a whopping 125 pounds. no lie. now, i love me some skinny emo boys, don't get me wrong, but when he and i first started dating, i was tipping the scales at a 185, okay? and i'm only 5'5 and a half. that is NOT good for the self-esteem. i did diet (starve/fast/binge/purge) my way down to 135 right before we broke up, but still...

sadly, i've gained a bit of that back (shocker). i go up and down the scale more times than...i don't know. more times than something goes up and down something else. i can't think of an analogy this early in the morning. but i had gotten on the adderall last november for my ADD, and by march had lost about 20 pounds. well, since being in SD, that has come back with a vengence. BRILLIANT, mer. pack on the heft in SoCal, where you'll NEVER be able to cover it up with sweaters and parkas.

i really need to kick my ass into gear.

i should end this entry on some positive notes, before i get some "tough love" lectures from my sisters (you know who you girls are)! this weekend is going to be good. eric and his theatre people are going to be putting on 4 plays (short ones) this weekend at the North Park Vaudeville Theatre and Candy Shoppe (8pm Friday night and Saturday night), so if you are in San Diego (i know a few SD peeps read this, AND i'm part of a SD blogring thing, so i'm pimpin' this out!), come support a night of local theatre AND music (there will be 2 acoustic performances as well). if you want details - where the theatre is, etc., email me at meredithelaine at gmail dot com. i'll be there both nights, so it'll also be an opportunity to meet ME (heh. gotta pimp MYSELF out too!)

after tonight's show, i'm very excited, because eric and i are going to a performance by the band hellogoodbye (their song "here in your arms" is currently on my myspace profile). the other day, they held a contest - you had to write a haiku about why you loved the band and post it as a comment on their myspace page. the first 25 people to do so, who were 21 and could make it to the show, would get on the guest list to this show here in SD. i think it's some supersecret show or something -- i haven't seen it posted or advertised anywhere, or heard about it at all anywhere else. my haiku was as follows:

what time is the show?
my man is putting on plays
but we still wan' go!

5-7-5, baby! yep, i still gotz my haiku skillz from grammar school. i couldn't believe how many people posted and were like, "i don't know what a haiku is, so i'm just going to write a poem." WTF? i thought that was a staple of grammar school life - everyone wrote a haiku, they got mimeographed and pasted on construction paper, and everyone got a copy of the class's "published" poetry book. hm.

anyway, so yeah. turns out that hellogoodbye doesn't go on until 11:30pm, so we'll still be able to make the show after all the plays, etc.! YIPPEE!

and i ALSO bought tickets for panic! at the disco and jack's mannequin in december. oh yessssss. that's going to be a kick ass show. if any other san diegans are going, let me know!

this is my favorite happy thought that i've been holding onto when i've been feeling blue, which, sadly, has been quite a bit this week. for no reason, really. but here it is:

one of the best compliments that i have received lately is being told that eric's friends like me alot. he tells me that all the time. even the ones who have recently met me, they're all like, "oh, i LOVE mer, she's so sweet and so nice..." etc.

but on TOP of that, the other day, he told me something else that BLEW ME AWAY. not only do his friends love ME, but they love ME for HIM. they think i'm good for him. they think we're good together.

when he told me THAT, i nearly fell over. i wanted to cry -- but from shock and happiness. because, as i've chronicled over the years, i can be a bit of a handful. i'm a mess at times. i can be a difficult person, just because i have a tendency to be an over-emotional wreck (some of this comes with having BPD, etc.). and over the years, i have had some relationships crumble because of it; i've learned a lot because of that. i've also had the tendency to take on a lot of the blame myself (see also:
the EvilEx), even when deep down, there are situations when the fault is clearly not mine.

anyway. what i'm getting at is, that above and beyond everything, despite everything, and BECAUSE of everything, i TRY. i really do. i know that i've made a LOT of improvements over the past few years. i've made a lot of personal progress, and i think that shows. but when i love someone, and when i truly care about someone, i go all out, and i always try to do the very very best i can for them. and even if i fuck up, it's not on purpose. my heart is always in the right place. i always have the best of intentions.

the fact that eric's friends think that i am good for him...well, i guess that means that they are SEEING that. my efforts, and where my heart is coming from...that's all showing through. and that's what i want people to see about me. that's what i'm about, you know?

and he told me that i make him happy.

so i guess all around...i'm doing something right.

i'm going to be very late for work now. but i still have to pick up starbucks, so i can just say that it was superbusy.

have a great day everyone. stay positive.



posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

7:14 a.m.
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