the doves have died; the lovers have lied
i don't like that i had to be stealthy to find out certain things. but i'm smarter than your average airhead; i'm good like that. and please believe, it is a fear of the unknown -- until i know the person(s) in question, it will always be a difficult situation for me to understand and process in my brain and in my heart.
and while i do not deny that a bit of it is rooted in my low self-esteem, BELIEVE ME, there is just as much, if not MORE, rooted in TRUTH, and bonafide EXPERIENCE, that leads me to my worry.
i love yous can hide all sorts of fucked up lies. and when you've been blinded by love, even the most obvious situations are easy to overlook and forgive forget.
a) R once told me of plans with A, an ex that was "just a friend" at the very last minute, and was not invited. a book signing, something truly benign. something R and i never attended -- i was hurt and jealous because WE never went to anything as special and..."intellectual" as that. i was a good-time-party-girl, live-in-love/fuck, but never part of any outting of more substance.
b) harsh words and pseudo-threats were spoken to by R's ex-fiance K, who, with an innocent smile told me that even though i was a sweet girl and that R seemed very happy with me, SHE was the best he'd ever had, and he'd never love ME as much as he loved HER (and still does). K told me this even though she had a boyfriend of her own at this point, the same guy she supposedly cheated on R with, which lead to their breakup.
c) i often wonder if certain things that happened over the course of my relationship with R were because i was not K or even A. punishment for not being close enough to what/who they were? ok, so that's a self-esteem-type example...moving on...
d) i dated someone who lied to me about having a kid. denied that it was his, and that his ex was crazy. later he owned up to it, the baby WAS his. later, he flipped out on ME for being upset over it, even though he lied to ME.
e) in philly, i dated a guy, who told me about his ex, who was his best friend before they dated, but it didn't work out. still, they stayed best friends -- they had known eachother far too long NOT to stay friends. he swore up and down that he'd never get back together with her; it just wasn't like that anymore. until he dumped me just days before christmas -- apparently she decided she wanted to try again. so just like that, despite the adoration showered on me, and how much he loved me (supposedly) and how much his friends liked me and how CRAZY they thought he was for letting me go...he broke up with me, and went back to the ex. merry christmas.
e) another guy i dated loved to flirt online. did it all throughout our relationship. i saw tons of AIM names scribbled on scraps of paper, names like "sw33tkizzesXO85" (or what-have-you) on his desk. he'd IM late into the night while at my house, while i waited all night in the bedroom for him. he also stayed friends with exes that he supposedly hated. one particular one, he told me (early when we got together), had just been a hookup that meant nothing to him -- months later, he drunkenly told me that she had broken his heart. contradiction, much? or was the original statement just to placate me to get me into the sack? or...?
.....
i don't know. i'll never understand the reasoning or need to stay friends or friendly at all with exes. the only reason i have been able to, in one instance, is because he a) IS one of my best friends in the universe and b) a few years later, came out of the closet. *snicker* that explains a lot about our situation.
the only other time i thought that it COULD happen...it just didn't. not for lack of trying or wanting to, on my part at least. but i guess, on his part, it wasn't worth it. time goes on, and such is life.
.....
i guess all of my babbling today, is just to give a synopsis and a little more background on my "history" which lends itself to the "self-esteem issues" i have. but to also show and prove that the ISSUES i have are not due to things that are made up in my head, despite all my mental/emotional problems and the buffet line of pills on my countertop. there are FACTS, there is TRUTH. being the emotional trainwreck that i am makes it worse at times, i agree. and i apologize for that. i will ALWAYS apologize for that.
but i need you, i need someone, anyone to believe me, that it is not all biochemical. my diagnoses exacerbate the reactions. but the reactions and post-traumatic issues thereof are based on things that actually happened.
i tend to tell my funnier stories, my "meredith stories" -- the ones that i'll eventually put in a book, because they are...lighthearted, in retrospect. my friends and family often say that all this could not have possibly happened to one person! but they did, and that person was me.
but for every "meredith story" that brings a chuckle or an OMGWTFLOLBBQ!, there are the stories that are painful for me. and i'm sorry if i bombard you (or anyone) with them. i'm sorry if they tend to cascade and spill over into my present-day existence. i am trying to set myself free from these things, little by little.
but i need for you to understand where i came from, so you can understand why i react(ed) the way that i do/did. the straight-up truth from you or anyone will not necessarily hurt me any less, but it will make it easier for me to digest.
i hope that this makes sense. i'm just being as honest as i can.
posted by: less-than3
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