meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

aftermath


2004-06-08 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

i bother people with my bitching and moaning about my shitty life. i complain too much. i should just shut the fuck up.

i know it's my fault anyway. i'm not doing anything to make my situation any better. i don't try hard enough.

maybe because i really don't know what else to do. maybe i'm at such a fucking complete loss. maybe because i am so lonely & scared. and i'm sorry that it's all my fault that i give off the wrong signals and i don't even know it.

i'm miserable and it's all my fucking fault. i cause all my own problems.

and then i bitch about it. what a selfish girl i am.

if i had ONE FUCKING SIGN that everything was going to be okay, i'd live for it. i would try so hard to hold onto it.

but i'd probably choke it and kill it anyway.

how fucked up is it that i almost miss the days, before therapy, before medication, before any of this...when i just didn't give a fuck?

it's easier not to care. not to care what you do to yourself or what someone else does to you. just dissociate, and it never has to hurt again. maybe it does, but at least you weren't surprised. at least you didn't get your hopes up.

now i CARE. i care too fucking much. i actually want just more than a little taste. i crave it so badly now. when you have it for a split second, you want to hope that it never goes away. that your sunshiny days will last. that you actually HAVE some hope. maybe life will get better. maybe...

but no. now it's almost 3am. and i feel worse. i feel guilty. guilty for whatever it was that i did to cause the misfortune (the fuel for every "meredith story") this time around. and guilty for feeling sorry for myself.

if i don't feel sorry for myself, no one else will.

i apologize for even hinting at the fact that i had tears in my eyes.

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

2:32 a.m.
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