always learning...
or 8 hours in craptastic rain/sleet. that's how long it took last night. he arrived at about 330 this morning.
and it breaks me in pieces, because on the one hand, i'm selfish and i want him here. on the other hand, i feel so incredibly guilty. for wanting him here so badly. for wanting to see him in person. and doing all the incredibly wonderful things, as well as the everyday, "mundane" things that we do.
why does life seem more spectacular when he's around?
i have to fight myself from feeling like a nuisance or an inconvenience. but i often feel like this uncomfortably hideous blob of awkward, inept something that i cannot put a word to.
those of you who read my self-pitying ramblings diary regularly, know that i don't feel as if i deserve him.
and i'm working on that. daily. it's so difficult to turn my self-portrait of myself from an ugly, nightmarish, immature, whiny crazygirl - to one of a pretty, eccentric, creative, emotionally expressive girl, who's had a rough go, but is trying to make it through.
it's so hard.
i am in love with this brilliantly smart, handsome, knowledgable-in-current-events, creative, funny, star of a boy. the type that should be so out of my league.
but he loves ME. he sees qualities in me that i don't believe i possess.
but dammit all to hell, i am going to learn. i am going to dig deep within myself and try to turn every negative thought about myself into a positive.
i wish that i could bottle those manic moments that i have, when i believe that my bipolarity brings massive amounts of creativity, that i'm cute (in a non-traditional way), and that i'm not DUMB - i'm just always learning.
being the "early riser" that i am, i work up about 1130. normally, i'd have been up by 830 or 9 (yes, on a saturday). somehow, having him next to me causes me to sleep better.
he's still asleep. and i'm going to let him sleep for a while. poor thing, driving all that distance, all that time.
to see ME.
i'm unbelievably blessed and lucky.
and someday, i'm going to learn (and actually BELIEVE) that HE is lucky, too.
posted by: less-than3
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