and all the things i deserve, for being such a good girl
it's not even halfway through the week, and i'm a wreck again.
i'm so troubled. but i'm so good at playing the game by now, that no one knows. no one has a goddamn clue.
i shouldn't feel alone, but i do. i shouldn't feel as if my pieces will never fit together, but i do. i shouldn't feel hopeless, but i do.
sometimes i wonder if i should stay on my meds. i feel like i've plateaued again. not as chaotic as i have been, but not NON-chaotic. i just want to feel peace and faith and love and...
i can't control the external. i should be able to control the internal. but that proven to be a difficult task.
should i just let all hell break loose once again?
is it NOT obvious that i'm feeling invisible again? do i fucking MATTER? do i need to cry and scream and wail and do all the self-destructive shit again? just in hopes that someone will notice?...someone will ask?
i hate having to try this hard. although, i guess i only try hard in my head - because the words of the thoughts and the things that i cry about...have yet to leave my lips.
and that is the way it will most likely remain. because i'm not up to the challenge or the risk.
smiling sunshine on and on...
posted by: less-than3
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