can you remember who i was, can you still feel it?
and a mess that i can't be bothered to clean.
i'm packing up my life, again. as i did a year ago, and 3 years ago. 4 and 5 years ago. every time that i've thought i'd move forward, i'd only ended up backtracking (eventually).
it always ends up a big ol' mess.
i'm moving in a direction that i do not want to move in. i am losing independence. i am relying on mom and dad to pay the COBRA fees to continue my medical insurance. insurance that i will need to try and fix my back. to try and fix my mind.
my father told me this weekend that i should take a month off. two months. "hell, take the whole summer off." part of me truly feels that this is what i need. part of me is so terribly scared that once i completely fall, i won't be able to pick myself back up again. that i won't want to.
i never saw myself as a 30-year old nutcase. i truly believed, through all the years and tears, the torture of high school and the broken-hearted breakdowns of college and beyond, that i would come out on top. that eventually, my life would straighten out. and it would all be mine. i would flourish and all my little-girl dreams would come true.
i am a 30-year old fuck up. i am the self-fulfilling prophecy.
i look at myself and i see addiction and near-extinction. i am the one who continually needs, not the one who is needed. it disgusts me, but i don't know how to change. i am incapable of making MYSELF happy. apologizing for my honesty. for causing aggravation.
i constantly try to morph and adapt into what others need. i compromise myself and wallow in self-pity. even when i try to independently seek out some sort of fulfillment, i never find it. not here. i hide when my hand is not held. blinders on, seeing with tunnel-vision -- i know nothing else. i seek nothing else than the one thing i've wanted all my life.
i am jealous of the freedom others have. the ease with which they live. but i have nothing left to do but sit and obsess. continually reflecting on my mistakes and what i've done wrong.
has it always been me that has done things wrong? at times, i think that i put the blame on everyone else. at the same time, i place it all upon myself.
life isn't fair. i know this. and right now, i don't give a shit who thinks that i've whined about this too many times. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. i hide at home writing, in some attempt to save myself. but i don't even know where to start. i just wait to be sought out. and when no one does, i crumble even more.
i've trapped myself. i don't know how to get out of this box. i am afraid of the world. rightfully so, considering my history. i have lost the courage.
i have this undying need to feel special. whether it was for providing the shoulder of comfort, or for having the pool and the phat parties. for my voice, or giving great blowjobs. for eternity or 15 minutes. it just didn't matter. ANYTHING was better than nothing.
lesson #3648: you get what you get, and you shouldn't ask for anything more.
but i WANT more. don't i deserve more? am i selfish for wanting to be a treasure? to someone? anyone? to you? to me?
i will give and give and give until i die. and i will always find inner joy from creating even the briefest of smiles for someone else. i will always go the extra mile. that's what i do. i will always pray for recriprocation, but i will not expect it.
a scene from easter:
dad to my nephew: "who is that? is that aunt meri?"
my nephew: "no"
how am i supposed to keep my composure when a memeber of my own FAMILY doesn't recognize me? how am i supposed to keep from crying when my phone doesn't ring, when my inbox remains empty? how should i react when i mistake someone's lust for friendship? when everything i've every believed in people turns out to be a lie?
answer me.
when i hear about and read about others' fun adventures, grand plans for the future, and fantasies and dreams fulfilled, trust me, i am happy for you all. but i will not deny my seething jealousy. it kills me to live in envy like this. to want what i don't/can't have. it eats me alive. it is consuming me.
and now, with this move to lovely west milford, nj, i don't see rest and relaxation. i see more nights of restless sleep. i see the discintigration of my dreams. my life is slowing to a halt, while others' lives are revolving and evolving. everything is changing, except me.
i've been told to make the most of it. if you can also tell me HOW to do that, how to see the brightsided silver lining, please do. i'd LOVE to know. tell me how to not view this new twist in my life to be something 99.44% negative.
i've been listening to this song alot tonight. every year in high school, we'd have a Solo Recital. the girl who sang this song did a horrible job (warbiling pseudo-operatic soprano), but i sought this song out, because it touched me so much:
crossroads - don mclean
I've got nothing on my mind, nothing to remember
Nothing to forget, I've got nothing to regret
But I'm all tied up on the inside
No one knows quite what I've got
And I know that on the outside, what I used to be, I'm not, anymore
You know I've heard about people like me
But I never made the connection
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction
But there's no need for turning back
All roads lead to where I stand
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I might have planned
Can you remember who I was, can you still feel it
Can you find my pain, can you heal it
Then lay your hands upon me now, and cast this darkness from my soul
You alone can light my way, you alone can make me whole, once again
We've walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together
But there's no need for turning back
All roads lead to where we stand
And I believe we'll walk them all
No matter what we may have planned
posted by: less-than3
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