can you still hear the last goodnight?
and all i want is for someone to fucking notice. somebody to care.
do i have to spell out exactly what i've been up to?
you have no idea how badly i want to. because i want people to fucking worry. it's immature as hell, and i should know better.
but i want someone to know how bad i'm hurting. how invisible i feel. i want people to worry and ask questions. i want to say "i feel like shit and i've done this and that to try and make it better." and i want someone to worry and say "oh god, let's try and make it better".
(someone who isn't obligated to do so through bloodlines. someone who isn't being paid over $100 per hour to care.)
but i've perfected the game of "i'm okay. i'm okay."
but i'm not.
and i'm so scared. okay? i just am.
i've written STRAIGHT UP exactly what i've been up to. the things i've done. how i feel.
but i'm too chicken-shit to post it all here. how's that for change. i have it all written out, but i'm too scared to put it in this box and hit the "done!" button.
because i don't want to be accused of being an "attention whore". that it's all intentional. all to get some "waah waah poor meredith" action.
and you know what? yes, a little coddling would be nice. but i know better than to expect that now.
so now i'm just back to numbing it all away. then i wake up, hoping tomorrow will be a better day. and then it is, for a little while. until i get home. and the whole cycle starts again.
please tell me what i'm not doing enough of, what i'm doing too much of, or just not doing right. i'm trying to be what you & everyone wants.
but i don't know what that is anymore. someone's got to give me some direction here.
i'm so tired. physically and emotionally exhausted. and i'm tired of hiding everything. but that's not stopping anytime soon. i've almost shared too much already.
my entries are becoming a waste of space. i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for everything.
posted by: less-than3
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