c'mon let's fall in love
i only want the simple things. tonight i'm overcome with visions of being on the beach at night. memories of a time long gone. actually several times long gone...
fall break, sophomore year, maryland: getting drunk off of bud light and playing truth or dare. if i'm not mistaken, i ran around the beach in just jeans and a bra. i think we all kissed T that night.
spring break 1997, negril, jamaica: sitting next to T, hearing him cry with the secrets he held from me. of course, now i understand the reasoning. i became the girl that the gayboys would marry, had they not been, you know, gay. it was also during that vacation that i collapsedon the beach, drunk off banana rum and high from laced marijuana. though it scared me, it also made me feel so free.
summer 1999, chadwick beach, nj: the night i nearly drowned in the ocean, skinny dipping at 2am. my fiance at the time didn't try and save me. a random friend of L's did. that night spoke volumes to me.
2000 (i think), chadwick beach, again: sitting in the middle of the road (a side road), sharing jello shots with several people. being yelled at by the locals: "SHUT UP! WE'RE YEAR ROUND!" going with L's best friend and future bro-in-law down to the beach, drinking nasty punch and watching the sun rise.
summer 2002, ocean city, nj: a dry town, but we got past that. my friend's cousin and i sharing beers on the picnic table. walking to the bay and discussing depression. driving around drunk in an old pick-up truck, listening to the rolling stones. hearing him drone on endlessly about his ex. him asking me to wait for him -- once he was over HER, he'd be with me. "we'd be so perfect together" (yeah RIGHT). sleeping on the beach. waking up at 5am and going to play video games at the all-night arcade.
june 2003, LBI, nj: crying on the beach, begging my boyfriend to forgive me for *gasp* dancing. and drinking. 2 months into our relationship...i should have ended it then.
july 2004, puerto rico: i was never on the beach, but i saw it. i walked alone, buzzed, around the pool. i sat under a canopy and wrote. avoiding the local boy who wanted to sex me up. i carried my walkman, my cell phone, and a notebook like they were tools to keep me alive. i guess they were.
summer 2004, duck, nc: nights of crying, smoking and poetry. all alone. missing you madly. breathing in the moonlight and salty air. fantasies and dreams of escape.
i want to recreate those nights (well, the fond memoried ones), only...differently. remixed to 2005. i want to remember the buzz and the spinspinspin dance that i did. i want to be on blankets, laughing. the anticipation and excitement of the unknown. fiercely kissed. sharing secrets. playing drinking games.
i idealize these days. i know that i do. i know that they were not as brilliantly beautiful (or horrific) as i remember them.
but i want to replace them, with something TRULY brilliant. something that i won't idealize, because i won't NEED to.
i need the summer's dance. i crave the beauty of coverband's and stumbling walking. short skirts and feeling beautiful. i want to build upon the new memories that i have. wrap me up in it. how do i make my own dreams come true? how will i hear the gorgeous symphony again?
i will. someday, somehow, i WILL. because it was meant to be that way. everything for a reason -- just not always revealed right away. i am optimistic.
i don't always show it, but i AM optimistic.
the surf and sand will always set me free.
posted by: less-than3
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