directionally clueless, in all possible ways
it's odd that when J goes on maternity leave, i'll be the "elder" of the office (at 29).
there's an awesome vibe here now. G is 22, i think, and K is 24, so we're very chatty and young-single-people-ish. talking about how we'll have to do office happy hours and things like that.
and of course, now i'm leaving. there's a chance of some sort of social interaction in my life here in philly, and i'm bustin' out in less than 4 months.
a social life is a stupid reason to stay at a job, i know. and i'm not changing my mind. it just makes me second guess (YET AGAIN) everything that i've decided to do. but social life/working in philly just does not coincide with the view in my mind of what is important to me now. what i want for myself. don't get me wrong, i still want the social/work life, but it is not the be-all/end-all. it can't be the primary reason that i make my life decisions.
i just hate continually being pummelled in the head by a barrage of what-ifs. i need want some absolutes. i need to be certain of something. i need to have know more than the possibilities: "well...if not A or B, then possibly C. but of course there's always X, Y and Z to consider. and we can't forget Q.
i don't know which way i'm going. i don't know down from up, or left from right. i'd say i need a map to navigate my life, but i can't read maps that well. i need a tourguide. or a chauffeur.
i want things to be simpler. i want to remember what it's like to relax. i want to have motivation for the little things - like trying to cook, or working out.
i just feel tense and unprepared and unsure.
so tonight: packing (what does one pack for 4 days in ohio, anyway?), pizza, maybe a beer or 2, in an attempt at relaxation.
which means, of course...i'll see y'all online later.
(i WILL stop being a dork someday, won't i?)
posted by: less-than3
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