don't forget to stop at the drug store on your way home
i felt myself slipping back there from the moment i woke up this morning.
the idea of how i am going to spend the next 2 months of my life, is paralyzing me. one spark of a thought and i'm running for the kleenex. nausea and pain is churning through my stomach.
i don't want to do this anymore. and i have no choice BUT to do this.
and it all brings to mind the desperate sound of suicide CDs and the cold shiver of unrest. but we all know the virtue of a happy face, now don't we? pretending not to die at the sound of my own name. sing-song-ish conversation. internally plotting the ways and means and substances that i will need to get me through EACH day. because i know it will be agonizingly slow. two months of the sickness pumping through my insides.
and all the while, i have to construct excel charts and graphs, do the research, and find a sliver of time to drive hither and yon to find a place to live. cost comparisons, employment opportunities, proximity -- my mind is not equipped. no one is holding my hand. no one has got my back this time. the weight of the legal staffing world is on my shoulders, smushing down upon the weight of my own world that's already there.
stress and an air-conditioned office (in the dead of winter, mind you) never mix.
i woke up this morning about 10 minutes before my alarm was set to go off (as usual). i clicked it off, and contemplated, for the first time in my life, just rolling over. going back to sleep, and waking up god-knows-when and claim that some evil force must have sabotaged my hello kitty alarm clock.
as always, work-ethic-girl won the internal battle, and i trudged through my frigid hallway to the shower.
my imagination is overactive. and nothing would please me more today, than to act out the scene i came up with earlier. throwing things. breaking glass. splattering paint on the walls. making a complete mess of my apartment. (but what of the security deposit then?)
if i cause enough destruction to my home, will i feel refreshed and ready for a new start? if my body is cramped, aching, and bruised, will i forget my broken heart?
crystal- and magic-8 balls, don't fail me now. can i put my faith in the stars and in fortune cookies? i doubt it.
what can i have faith in? where should my confidence lie? who can i trust?
it's so exhausting to try, day-in-and-day-out, to smile the perky sunshine. to be the team player, when you don't even want to be in the game.
posted by: less-than3
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