do you know what you're doing to me?
definng moments are spoken of and written about. on the brink of 29, i can't recall that i've ever had one. i don't know if i've never been that in the moment to recognize it.
or maybe it's just that i fear the one moment that probably HAS defined me.
very few things in my life have left a lasting impression. only because there are too few things that i can remember in clear enough detail. who knows why...ADD? alcohol? denial?
there is only one moment that i can think of that has had that lasting effect on me. and it wasn't a positive one.
I NEED SOMETHING ELSE. SOMETHING BIG. SOMETHING WITH MEANING. SOMETHING TO ERASE IT ALL.
maybe i think too much. maybe i don't think enough. maybe there is no meaning to my life. maybe i'm waiting for someone to show me what that meaning is.
i know that no one's watching me, thinking of me, and wondering what's going on in my head.
if i don't have an impact on myself -- how can i expect to have an impract on anyone else?
time moves slowly at the beach. 15 minutes: turn over.
i wish i didn't get jealous of people i don't even know. of misguided memories. i wish i didn't feel so inferior to other people's dreams.
i'm lying here, damp and sandy, WILLING a moment to happen. begging for something to happen that will mean something. not just an anectdote or "meredith story". something -- that will last.
i stood at the edge of the water, alone, for about 10 minutes. tentative steps into the ocean.
what if i just kept walking?
there's no denying that, in a lot of ways, the shore still makes me sad. a strange peaceful sadness. a resignation.
things will never be the same again.
i don't want this to be my moment anymore. rebuilding my life has been the hardest task i've ever undertaken. i sometimes wonder if i'm even succeeding at all.
(continued, next day. at home)
why can't it just be simple. why can't i just have things to look forward to? why do i only look back at the miserable past, or dream forward to a future i know am pretty damn sure that i can never have?
my playlist is currently filled with those songs. the ones that make you want to either cry, throw yourself against the wall or punch something. i haven't found the ability to do any of these. yet. but those scenes, yes, they play out in my head.
maybe it's the slump of a post-holiday haze. maybe it's the involuntary pseudo-detox that has occurred.
but i swear that once i hit the PA turnpike, part of me dies. and it's brought back to life everytime i run in some other direction.
posted by: less-than3
[if you like what you read, please clix me!]
meredithelaine's recently played tracks:
meredithelaine's most played tracks of the past week: