drunken burbling. shocker
weakness in silent anger that i do not feel i am worthy to feel. selfish to want-want-want. my mind attacks my heart, chastising it. be quiet, push it away, or else you will lose it all.
i struggle to make my passive-agressive point. those efforts that are either unrecognized or ignored. i never wanted to be the girl that acts this way. but of course, it never lasts. my heart is split into 2 personalities. one nudges me continually, and tells me to maintain my so-called resolve. the other one begs me to yell: "i'm sorry!"
you know, in a basic way, how i think. how i feel. my train of thought. but you do not, and can not, ever know the extent of it all. even if i tried to explain, you'd never understand fully how deep the anguish is.
are these semi-stupidly-poetic words really necessary to get the point across (in vain, because i can never do THIS justice)? yes, oh yes. a fucked up mindset deserves fucked up words.
i fight urges daily. urges to carve punishments into my flesh. urges to slip back into purification rituals to cleanse the sins i know are consuming me. urges to ignore anything resembling health - just to be beautiful enough to be worthy of existence. existence in this earth-world, nevermind the niche in the world that i so desire to occupy. urges to immerse myself in a numbing stream (ok, so maybe i am not successful at ALL attempts of restraint).
no words can fully explain the anguish. the enhancement of the bipolarity that is already in me. multiply this by the rapid cycling, and you can be that i'm cruisin' for a bruisin'.
the places that i am going terrify me. and the fear that i am not needed consumes me. needed in a philosophical sense, AND in a day-to-day good morning sense. yes, even the simplest actions, thrown straight from my heart -- i never mind them. not in the least. to cause some smile, some assistance...well, someday that can prove me worthy...perhaps?
i have to laugh, because i know that there are non-friendly readers who are just waiting for my honest and crazy words. ready to judge and send out warning signals. i wave "hello" to you. trust me, it's not like this is unexpected. i'm ready.
i'm just heart-on-sleeve honest. i put forth who i am. good, bad and hideously ugly. so, if there's a critique on my life and goings-on, bring it. bring it with everything you've got. i invite that. it has been a long time since a random arguement over ME. my arguement would, of course, begin with the generic "this is MY diary..." blah blah blah. trust me, there have been moments where i have censored myself or squealched my own commentary. thought rationally and thrown on the brakes. the degrees may vary, but i am HONEST. i've often said that i cannot stop who i am. this is so true. how much i share fluctuates from day to day.
but this is the only way that i know how to live. quiet to the point of aggravation to the frantic, panicked burble.
i'm straying from my anonymously dedicated entry. anonymous, if only by name. the point that i want to come across crystal-clear (well, there are others...) is that no matter HOW MUCH you believe that you know the fullest extent of my emotionality and how i operated, you don't. you can never completely understand.
no one can.
i am so afraid that what is seen of this, on my surface, is a nuisance in itself.
but i can't help it.
you'll just never, never know.
i'll be forever apologizing...though i don't know if i should.
posted by: less-than3
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