fall on your knees...
i cried. bawled right there in front of them. i was so touched. i certainly didn't expect anything like that. not at all. i'm still a little shaken up by it, almost 12 hours later.
i'm worried about some of my friends right now. it hurts in my heart. i want to fix their situations.
i am going to the christmas eve church service with my parents tomorrow night. to be the DutifulDaughterOnDisplay(TM). it will make them happy. i'm just disgruntled as to the fact that my sister doesn't get nudged into these things.
my mother also mentioned that she thinks i should get a notebook/journal and start writing "positive prose" -- positive affirmations, and at least 5 things per day that i'm happy about/thankful for. i was like, "thanks, oprah." maybe i'm just too damn jaded and bitter, but it all just sounds cheesy to me. most days, i'd have to scramble to find 5 things to be thankful for. and you all know damn well that 1 of them would be "i'm thankful for the LastChanceMobilMart(TM)."
right now, i'm second-guessing myself again. like, really. am i out of my fucking mind? moving to San Diego? am i CRAZY? what the hell am i going to do out there? how am i going to make a living? where am i going to live? how am i going to handle starting all over for the 433rd time?
the tiny voice is whispering: retreat, retreat...
i'm so confused; i'm so scared. terrified. i don't want christmas. i don't want time. i want to fast forward over the difficult parts and just be there and be OKAY. because i am locked up here alone in my head and my heart and i am so afraid of it all. i am scared of everyone. i am afraid of criticism and petrified of rejection.
i don't understand why i couldn't have been made like everyone else -- just in the respect of being able to be independent and okay with it. and have a family that is independent and okay with it.
my cuticles look like hell. because i keep picking at them. i am nervous and fidgity and red and raw. i am itchy and twitchy and i can't stop touching my face or rocking myself back and forth in bed to try to sleep.
everyday, i stop and notice it. i see myself subconsciously trying to get some sort of attention, or approval or something:
look at how loose my pants are! i must be losing more weight!
look! i got presents from my coworkers today! and i cried in front of all of them; i was so overwhelmed and touched! they must really like me.
this verbal version of jumping up and down and yelling "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!"
because if i don't...i barely get asked how my day was. i'm lucky if i get a hello. i get told when dinner's ready. and, of course, some witty anectdote involving either a) my nephew or b) someone from church.
tonight, i heated up some leftover rice for dinner. i was struggling with a leftover packet of soy sauce from the chinese takeout place. my dad grabbed the scissors and said "this'll be easier" and reached out to take the packet from me. and i said, "no, i'm good, i'll get it eventually," and i swear, he got a bit huffy and went into the TV room, said nothing and sulked for a few minutes.
over a packet of soy sauce, people.
THIS is the kind of overbearing i'm talking about.
i can't even write anynore about this right now. i'm all upset and mixed-emotioned.
i was going to wrap some presents tonight. not so much anymore. i'm freezing. time to dope myself up on xanax and veg out in bed.
posted by: less-than3
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