get down on your knees, whisper what i need: something pretty
i am a flower that can be dug up, moved, replanted, and survive it all. maybe even thrive. (with a little sunlight, water and some TLC)
into the car, out of the car. pack, unpack. laundry. here, there, everywhere. why even bother to unpack the boxes, hang up the picture frames and make this "house" (apartment) into a home, when i am destined to leave it? (again)
my college diploma (grossly oversized - it's a 2'x3' poster, i swear!), beautifully framed by my mom and dad, remains on the floor, leaning against the wall.
every single time, i promised myself: never again. but history, as they say, repeats itself. dropped everything and ran. over the rainbow, because i swore the grass was greener on that other side -- whichever side i wasn't on at the time.
(here we go again)
and...she's off!
even though i know fully well how the race ends, i still run. towards the target that will surely discintigrate before my eyes as i approach it. still, i trudge on. i KNOW that i will not win. i KNOW that the sigh of relief and the breath of life, oxygen sweet, is NOT meant for me. but still i try to inhale and exhale with every step i take. i would do anything for just a molecule of that bliss.
and i did. over and over again. tolerated what should NEVER be tolerated. years of overlooking the obvious and making excuses because i thought i could CHANGE how it really was. work harder, search faster, drive further, smile brighter, sing louder, fuck longer...surely that would prove me to be the champion, wouldn't it?
damn. i lost the prize that, in all honesty, i never had.
even though i am forever the pessimist (for myself. optimistic as all get-out for others), you can bet that i will do everything within my power, and beyond, to try and get to that goal. to breathe. survive. flourish. thrive.
do i set myself up for disappointment? yes. all the damn time. but at least i know it's coming. there's a strange comfort in that.
i would give up everything. should i have to? probably not. will i? yes. because, you see, that's what i do. because i adapt; i change. i can become what i need to. until that incarnation is ready to die, and i shed that skin to reveal the new one.
sure, i have the fantasy, in which for once...it isn't me. that I become the one worthy of...
(but i can only dream...)
posted by: less-than3
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