meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

gotta handle your business, gotta get in it to win it


2004-07-23 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

what i did on my summer vacation is coming, i swear.

there's just so much to write!

i get distracted, what with my skin issues. i'd post my pictures, but that'd be icky. and it distracts my tan, which, is fabulous, by the way.

how is it that i look at the girl in the picture, and i'm convinced it's not me?

how is it that my friend voices her concern that i'm losing too much weight (as i eat a mcsupreme burger - it's exclusive to puerto rico, i think), and i see how i have so much further to go?

how is it that i hate who i'm becoming, and hide it so well?

how is it that i beg to be saved, but never ask?

how is it that i share my secrets with strangers (a million and one fucked up support groups), whilst my closest friends i hold at arms length?

i love everyone so much. i just don't want to drive them away with everything that's so wrong with me. they'd hate me. so sick of the years of inner drama. even those not witness to the years, know that the years exist.

and i just want to collapse. sometimes i convince myself that i'm dying. i never wanted that. god, no. and yet, it's an obsession at the back of my mind.

i'm a trainwreck, and only i have the power to stop it. i don't know how. i don't know if i can.

i just want to dance. get crazy. feel that bliss again. and i know that i sound desperate for it.

that's because i am.

the look in the eyes when i sang. my voice flirted with everyone. but yet i truly sang to empty air.

when i was in jamaica, in 1997 (THAT long ago??), i went parasailing. i'm afraid of heights, but i did it. (i'm so proud of me) while i was up there, i started singing. to myself. to the air. no one could hear me, down below. and i was so peaceful. relaxed.

i have performance anxiety. every fucking minute of my life. singing or not. working or not. fucking or not. talking or not. en garde, always.

because i'm so afraid to lose. in the competition for the unconditional. because i know that, with me, nothing's unconditional. but i try to make myself as such. portray it. fake it 'til i make it.

does that make me a complete fuck up?

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

12:19 a.m.
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