i believe what you are; i believe in you
maybe we all do that, to one extent or another.
i bought a new car today (well, yesterday at this point). a 2005 hyundai tucson. their smaller SUV. in silver. i'll take pictures later.
you should have seen me - bouncing. gleeful, dare i say. the words I AM HAPPY kept coming out of my mouth.
do you know how FEW things cause me to say "I AM HAPPY"?
because i'm always fearing for the other shoe to drop, as that odd saying goes. they say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. that's a statement that i'm having a hard time believing. and i haven't believed it in a long time.
i guess that's what my new medicinal cocktail is supposed to help me with. the therapy; all of it. to cope with the letdowns i eventually experience. to make them not appear to be the end of the world.
it's a never ending cycle.
the smallest things can be so beautiful to me. can make the words "I AM HAPPY" fall effortlessly from my lips. conversely, the smallest thing can also bring me to eye-reddening, face burning, hyperventilating tears. the panic that i wish so strongly that i can control. at least rein it in, a little bit.
i'm just always trying to protect myself. i don't deal with life's minute crises very well -- don't even ask about the larger ones. but i did not ask for this. i did not ask for the jumble of disorders and labels that cause me to be this way.
(side note: there's a song by an italian singer, Eros Ramazzotti or something like that, called "Hurican Meri" - Hurricane Meri. yes, that would be me...)
there's a song from the Garden State soundtrack that contains the lyric "there's beauty in the breakdown". i can only hope that, in my case, that statement is at least partially true. and the parts that aren't so beautiful, well, that's what i'm trying to fix.
i won't be easy. it never has been, for me. probably never will be. but more than one person has told me that i'm stronger than i realize.
i can make no promises of a brilliant, miraculous recovery. i doubt that i can morph into someone who is simple in the respects that one should be. i am complex and erratic. sometimes that's a beautiful thing. other times, not so much. i wish, more than anything, that it could be easier. easier for ME, and easier for everyone close to me.
i can't promise that i can erase all the negative, destructive aspects of my personality. i can only promise to TRY. i will try to tackle them, and do the very best that i can.
that needs to be enough.
the sun is now rising. yesterday was an exhausting day, between my nephew's 4th birthday and buying a new car. i crashed out early, and woke up about 2 hours ago. but it's 6am now. time to go back to bed.
sleep well, diaryland. meredithelaine loves you.
posted by: less-than3
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