i don't wanna be anything other than what i've been trying to be, baby
i know what i have to lose. always have known. i am the equivalent of a novelty act. a one-hit wonder.
i am not beautiful, smart or sane. therefore i am at a major disadvantage. i can be replaced -- by someone thin and gorgeous. someone up on current events and knows whether dostoevsky is the author or the name of the book. someone who doesn't need medications (that don't always work) to get through their day.
one of these faults can be okay, if paired with another positive. crazy paired with beautiful is okay. being just smart and sane is okay. but ugly, dumb and crazy...not so much. it gets tiring over time.
(how do i know this? because i've lived it)
how do i explain that i can never relax? that i know that i'll always have something that needs VAST improvement. that i'll always have another 20lbs to lose, no matter what. that i'll always feel intellectually inferior to EVERYONE. that i'll always wish that i wasn't such a mess.
in terms of having..."marketable skills", so to speak, i don't really have them. intelligence and levelheadedness and beauty are the ideal traits to possess.
i'm sorry that i'm not a size 4 (believe me, i'm trying). i'm sorry that i can only handle 3 minute, 30 second long, USA-Today-article-sized bits of information at one time. i'm sorry that i can't tell you who our 23rd president was, and that i don't understand much of what's going on in the world right now.
little comments are not just casual observations. they are glaring neon signs pointing out specific examples of what i need to change. i grew up hearing those comments. and going beyond that, people have blatantly tried to change me.
so what does that mean?
that means, that when i tell you that i know what i lack, and that i know that i'll never be good enough, i mean it. i know what the fuck i'm talking about.
posted by: less-than3
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