i don't want "this'll do" to become a recurring theme in my life
1993 - the night before i was leaving for college. for the University of Scranton.
i slipped a cassette into my walkman. i cassette that didn't even belong to me - it was my dad's. simon and garfunkel's greatest hits. i don't know what possessed me to "borrow" it. it wasn't as if i was a die-hard fan; i was, however, familiar with their songs.
i sat on my bed (back then, i still had the waterbed), cross-legged, and cried. i didn't want to go. i had been in denial about college. i only applied to 3 schools; the U of S was the only one i visited.
this one'll do.
at that point in time, most of my friends were younger than me. as a senior in high school, i became friends with the 3 lower grades. mostly through choir -- being the diva of the choir-chicks that i was. the summer had been spent in a blur of nights of "hangfests" at my house (i had the pool!), and nights out bowling and playing pool. i didn't want to leave that life.
i did, of course. and we all drifted apart, of course. but that night, i honestly felt my world crumbling around me. i wasn't ready for this. i wasn't ready to leave my comfort zone. i wasn't ready to leave the people i loved more than anything in the world.
rewind. play. cry. rewind. play. cry. look at bags and boxes that had yet to be packed into our 1986 powder blue cutlass cierra. cry. rewind. play. cry. sleep.
and here i am, almost 12 years later. i've had friends seep into, and fade out of, my life. i've felt what i thought was heaven, and have dropped into my own version of hell. i have loved harder, and cried longer, than almost anyone i know.
i am still as intense as i was back then. probably even more so. i am so scared of change, yet i'm afraid of stagnation. i still put songs, that seem to aurally stab me in the gut, on repeat play. so much the same. but so unbelievably different.
and "bridge over troubled water", no matter WHICH version is playing, still makes me cry.
posted by: less-than3
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