i dropped my heart into a puddle
i don't enjoy feeling so small.
just because i am the admin, does not mean that you can tell me that i "have to order napkins" without a "please". and it's not my fault that i don't know that your friends and clients don't have the common sense to tell me their FULL name and/or what company they're calling from. ask THEM to get some fucking manners, not me. don't make ME feel like the asshole when i ask their last name or where they're calling from and i get a snide "she knows who i am" in response.
every day, it seems, i'm now sitting here trying not to cry. holding myself back from bawling the release that i need. and it seems to subside by the evening. i'm chainsmoking more than ever. to the point of nightly nausea. 75% of my life, i hate.
and the 25% that is good, there's some sort of catch, or glitch, that taints it, just a little. but i need something to hold on to. to keep myself from falling away.
someone needs to help me. i don't know how, or when, or where. but something has to give. i don't know what to do. i'm at a loss. bouncing between okay and so not-okay 20 times per day is not my idea of a good time.
i want to dive into a bowl of pity-party-punch right about now.
i bought the new jimmy eat world, straylight run, and elliot smith cds today. i'll just let the words and music soak into my defective little heart like the rain has soaked my defective (not so) little body.
i hate the rain. i knew it would rain today; my ankle told me so.
posted by: less-than3
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