if i'm just bad news, then you're a liar
i wish there was a compacted version of me. i'm always striving for that elusive (perfection). but i fail to miss the mark.
i'm not depressed over this. disappointed, yes. depressed, no. i've accepted it, albeit grudgingly.
all i want to be, is all i never can be.
i wish i was smart, and not oblivious. ignorant. but you see, i'm so far behind - i could never catch up. an academic-current-events type of gal, i never was.
all i know are the melodies and harmonies. and matters of the mind and heart. intangible. not facts and figures. which is what matters most in the "real world".
i wish i was beautiful. i wish, that for once, i was the first one looked at. but i'm not. i never will be. no matter how much eyeliner circles my eyes, how straight my hair is, how short my skirt is, or how little i (attempt to) eat, it just ain't gonna happen. i've said it once, and i'll say it again -- i'm the acquired taste girl. i'm not the first-choice-girl-like-whoa.
part of me would love that. part of me would be terrified by it. because, in all honesty - attention freaks me out. actual live-in-person attention.
it's one thing to get attention for what gets thrown into these little boxes. or the ear that tries to listen, and the counsel i try to give.
attention at a distance. attention i don't have to face.
it doesn't make sense. i want to be beautiful, but i cringe at the slightest mention that i am (blind or smoking crack, you are).
and i suppose i don't -- opinionize (that is not a word) -- more often -- is because i have NOTHING to back up my words. as i said, i am not facts and figures. i'm an ignorant girl. there's so much i don't understand.
i tried to learn. well, i tried to learn what was forced upon me. but i got tired of reading mile long dissertations on george bush or the ozone layer or what-have-you. i am very much a product of the mtv generation. please put everything into 3 minute and 50 second long sound bites, please.
some would say i don't give myself enough credit. i don't know if that's true.
i talk too much.
***
i officially have centipedes. apparently this is normal for this time of year. they just sneak in. yes, i really want hundred-legged roommates. thanks. exterminator due to show up next thursday.
my back is all sorts of fucked up. could not bend. could barely walk. hence ergo, getting ready for work this morning was not fun. as a result, i had a shaving mishap, and now have a roughly 8-inch long cut up my right thigh.
(ha. people who know my "history" would think otherwise. i give you my word, 'twas a clumsy move in the shower. i think you know that i'd say it if it had been what it could have been)
i have $60 to get me through until tuesday. oh. good. lord.
2 days till blink 182/no doubt
2 weeks till dashboard
2 months till howie day, john mayer, maroon 5 and warped
this is why i only have $60 to my name.
(the only benefit to my freakboy incident, and being the karaoke "it" girl, was the free drinks. and really, even THAT wasn't worth the strife)
tomorrow's a 1/2 day meredith day. the off in the girliemobile i go. vroom.
yeah.
posted by: less-than3
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