i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

when you're looking back, and all the little nuances are glaring at you, bright like neon stars, you're supposed to smile, right? then how come i end up at my desk in tears, huh? why is it that every good memory, or memory that leads up to a good memory, leaves me worse off than if i hadn't remembered at all?

multiply this by all the moments, fighting sleep. desperately running, chasing, trying to create those memories that, with any luck, will smash the aforementioned ones into little pieces. and yes, i realize that it's not the same. and it never will be again. but what do i do when the happy hurts as much as the hurt does? what do i do when better turns to worse in the blink of an eye and goddammit...i'm so confused. so very much so.

don't browse your university's alumni website. unless you want some incentive to slit your wrists. 4 of my dearest friends were on there. vice-presidencies and promotions and advanced degrees...all among the achievements i'll never attain. (obtain? my point EXACTLY. can't even figure that one out...)

i have boxes and notebooks and disks and websites(!) full of mediocre words. (most of them) that will never see the light of day, will never touch their intended recipients the way i wished them to. Will never be applauded or awarded shiny gold stars that aren't part of some money-grubbing scam.

i have compliments implying my worth as a human being, but that i know are prefaced by "despite the fact that..."

(yes, i have the lowest self-esteem, self-worth on the earth. possibly beyond the earth.)

i'll keep arguing my case until you believe me. what is my worth if i can't make it all better? i'm surrounded by people struggling - physically, emotionally, financially, and so on - and all i want to do is fix it. all of it. i want to go far beyond the limited resources i have, to take away everyone's pain/problems. ("i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one...")

then i want bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies (yes, i can bake. don't laugh. my cookies were the glory of last christmas. i make DAMN good cookies).

taking back sunday:

"your own disaster"

"the union"

"one-eighty by summer"

3 songs that somehow, indirectly and inadvertantly, reflect thoughts/emotions that are bouncing and colliding in my head.

read the lyrics. listen to them if you can.

(or not)

maybe it's all scrambled to everyone else...but it makes perfect sense to me.

hearts and flowers and kumbaya to everyone on this (lovely) thursday afternoon.

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

3:09 p.m.
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