i'll just leave it at this
i am a wreck, still, but that's another story altogether. i'm still to exhausted to talk much about it. i'm anxious. i can't really eat much. my stomach is in knots, i want to cut myself up; i want to destroy myself.
i'm so miserable. and alone. i feel the guilt over my impending move to san diego ten thousand fold now. i'm such a selfish, selfish girl. but i can't turn away from my plans. it feels too RIGHT inside. it feels right for ME. but i'm going to DISAPPOINT my family. disapproval. i'll feel guilty. forever. like i always do. because i'm dumb. i'm stupid and i can't think for myself.
i know this entry makes no sense. all my discombobulated thoughts at once. but i feel like i'm dying inside. this is torture. and i'm so fucking good at pretending for everyone that i'm okay. it's fucking autopilot. hell, i don't even realize i'm doing it anymore. i don't.
i just want to be happy for more than 5 minutes at a time. i just want to have a happy day. a happy life. am i selfish to want that? to dream? to think that i could find that somewhere out there? to want to chase that to the other side of the country?
what am i doing? someone needs to help me. or at least let me know if i'm doing something right. because hell if i know. i don't know. i have too much stress. NO ONE ASKED ME HOW I WAS DOING. NO ONE CARED! NO ONE EVER DID. it's always about THEM. never me.
i don't want to be invisibly taken for granted anymore. i just want to be loved for me, not on anyone's terms, just...me. just because i'm mer and because that's good enough for someone.
it's always some crisis or bribe or stupidity on my part that brings THEM to me. not ME. a karaoke contest or a sprained ankle or a father's day dinner. hell, my sister never came to see me ONCE. not ONCE in my 3 years in philly.
i'm so hurt. i'm so angry. i'm so destroyed. i'm so selfish. i'm so scared. nauseous. in pain. tired. everything. the world is spinning and i swear to god i can feel it and i think it's giving me a migraine.
posted by: less-than3
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