meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

i'm aware what the rules are


2005-05-26 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

sleep is this emotional escape. i am the one asking myself how i am doing. i can't answer truthfully anymore. shouldn't be this absolute vat, consuming so much. i shouldn't be the calories expanding. i shouldn't be the painkillers emptying. i shouldn't be the bottle hiding.

you see me: job interviews and effort. organization and researching automobiles. rational and sensible.

i'm a big bundle of insecure lies. it's getting easier to sleep the days away. there's no desire to save myself.

but i need to escape. i need to get out of here, but i have no where to go. no refuge or shelter to take me in. i am shunned + falsified.

empty/vacant/void

things feel forced and uneasy. there are pin and needles pricking my body (not literally, don't worry). i'm continually nauseous and i'm locking myself away. i don't know how to fix it. i wish i could reinforce the pieces that i know are fragile, strained, and subject to breaking through the krazy-glue.

don't sound so (un)excited. this is not helping.

it's not meant to be an obligation.

sickly, i sit with a stained face and a budding headache. the pressure of this don't ask/don't tell policy that i've taken on. it's difficult - but i know it's better this way. smoothing the surface.

even still, there are some angels who know me so well.

but some don't even know me at all.



edit: the chiropractic visits have now caught up with me. i owe $1000 now. i don't have $1000. actually, that's a lie - i have about $1200. i can't survive like this. and the bill tells me that i'm past due for $400 of it. i never got a first bill. OH. MY. GOD.

edit #2: today is the one year anniversary of this diary. i started it in response to some familial security issues at the time with my first diary, neon7c. (which i write in again, btw) and here i am, a year later.

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

11:41 p.m.
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