meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

i'm sorry that i'm not (fill in the blank)


2004-08-13 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

i know that sometimes i come off as confident, almost-cocky: "i am the shiznit, the goddess of goodness and light, and the sexy diva of your dreams."

this is all an act. i'm not nearly as confident as i sometimes come off as in public. (or in my diary, for that matter)

i've been winging it for years. quite badly, in my opinion. but apparently i've done a good enough job at times. but the truth of the matter is that i flail about, having NO clue what i'm doing. panicking that i'll be called on it. you are so not alla-dat-and-a-bagga-chips.

i live my life terrified that i'm going to make an ass out of myself. that i'm going to look stupid doing __________. that last thing i want is people laughing at me, or giving me weird looks like, okaaaaayyyyy. i had enough of that in grammar school, thank you very much.

i hesitate a lot. if you look closely at me, you'll see it. sometimes it's slight, sometimes not. i'm stalling for time. trying to figure out how to a) play it off like it's all good, or b) get out of the situation altogether.

of course, all of this probably makes me look more like an ass than anything else i could possibly do. but i can't help it. i'm protecting myself. or so i think.

i guess it's true that the scars of childhood don't always necessarily heal completely. i spent so much time being teased, or chastized for making a mistake, that i want to avoid it. i want to be as perfect as possible. i want to avoid looking foolish. to anyone.

it's funny to think about how that shaped me into the shy, socially phobic, people-pleasing perfectionist that i am. if i'd have been more secure, or taken on a more "i don't give a fuck" attitude, maybe i wouldn't have turned out so sheltered and inhibited.

i'm so liberal and open-minded in my thoughts, feelings and attitudes. but my actions...when it comes to me specifically, well...that's a different story. i need a guide. a helping hand. i am not comfortable being the leader, being in charge. that's when i go into panic mode. i want to run and hide and cry and scream get me out of here, please. i'm not ready for this.

but i don't do this. i don't dare. i force a smile; all the while i'm screaming inside. and i don't cry. not until i'm alone, or until i know i can't/won't be seen.

there's a person that i want to be. and a person that i think others probably want me to be. i'm just not that person...yet. don't know if i ever will be.

and i dread the day that it becomes blatantly obvious that i'm failing.

maybe it already is that obvious.

(i know this probably makes no sense to anyone but me. but it's been on my mind, gnawing at me, so i had to get it out)

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

1:17 p.m.
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