i swear that i can go on forever again
so i drove northward. towards my old stomping grounds at the beginning of the jersey shore.
(why?)
i was tempted to drive all the way up to lawrence harbor. but i didn't. i hovered around hazlet/keyport. passed the gym where i used to work out. the mcdonald's that saw me many a late night on the way home from whatever bar/club i had been at.
i'm such a masochist that way. or is it sadist? regardless, i like to mentally and emotionally torture myself.
i don't like to do it. i just seem to.
but i've changed. i just laughed. in awe. the place hasn't changed one iota. i surprised myself. i felt nothing. nothing but humor at it all. and that made me laugh even more. because i have moved on. of course, me even bringing this up, makes it seem as if i haven't. allow me to explain:
physically, i had moved on. moved all the way to philly. and i went through the motions of moving on, mentally, emotionally. i wasn't ready then. i threw myself into all sorts of horrific situations. what i've come to realize is that i didn't feel as if i had a reason to move on.
now i know that i do. i've got a little package of reasons. i knew that i did, really. but i was so caught up in my misery, that i failed to see those reasons.
(where's hoobastank when you need them? i feel like they should enter stage left: "and the reason is yoooooooooooooooooou". god. i'm such a loser, aren't i?)
i'm digressing. shocker there. lame attempt at comic relief to break the monotony.
i'll always wonder what i did wrong. i'll always wonder what i'll continue to do wrong.
but on the other hand, there's a sick sort of satisfaction in knowing that, despite my MASSIVE QUANTITY of faults, someone gave up the best thing that they ever had, and will ever have. (ladies, i know you feel me on this) and that someone else is/will be getting the good stuff.
actually, better than the other person EVER got. because you thought you knew love. but then the future hands you LOVE in all capital letters and italics. and that's what makes you laugh. because damn, you never knew it could get this good.
(everything happens for a reason, right? there's that word "reason" again. enter hoobastank, stage right.)
life, though. it's hard, right now. because i feel as if i am in a holding pattern. not really sure about where my life is going, and where i'll end up. so i've put my little secret projects into motion. trying to find my way.
it seems as if i'm always searching. all i really want, all i've really ever wanted, is to be found.
whatever that means.
posted by: less-than3
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