it's yet to be determined
well that appointment was yesterday.
my new psych-doc is a sarcastic bastard. i love it. he interviewed (questioned? inquisitioned?) me thoroughly. he pushed me when i was being vague. he'll call me on my shit, i just know it. as much as i try to hide behind my smile and humor, he's going to dig it out of me. the nitty-gritty.
interesting development:
your favorite bipolar girl is, in fact, not bipolar.
hold up (wait a minute!)
let's break it down:
1. major depression
2. ADD
3. OCD (i'm a checker, what can i say? can't be unprepared, you know...)
4. Borderline Personality Disorder
yep, i'm BDP. i don't know if i can say it's more severe than bipolar, or if it's just different.
one difference is that while a bipolar's moods can be high or low for days, weeks, months at a time, the BDP's moods do that several times through the course of a DAY.
anyone who has spent a day with me, can testify to this, methinks. hell, if you've read my diary(ies) for long enough, you know that too!
i could go through the rest of the ins and outs, criteria and characteristics of BDP, but i don't want to bore you. if you want to know, google it.
there are a lot of fears that i have about this. according to some book reviews i've seen on amazon, the over impression of borderlines is not terribly favorable. character sketches seem to portray them as manipulative and all-in-all, not pleasant to be around.
i hope that i differ from that. not to say that being around me is all-picnic, all-the-time. hardly. but i really do hope that the good times outweigh the bad. as for the manipulative part -- i could see how that could happen. but my "people pleaser" side -- the part of me that doesn't want anyone mad at me -- i think that wins out. i can't even get angry or annoyed with anyone without completely backtracking and apologizing for being a bitch myself.
when you've got the disorder that accounts for 2% of all mental disorders and 20% of all psychiatric hospitalizations, you tend to get a little nervous. Doc says that i'm lucky i have a good sense of responsibility -- otherwise, i could be truly fucked.
Doc likes me. when i walked in, he said: "you look too happy to be in here." he thinks i'm witty and a nice girl. and i laugh at his jokes, so i win bonus points for that. he wants to eventually hear all my "meredith stories". he's already heard a few...
i'm going on new meds. 2 are new. 1 is a different version of one i was already taking. plus one other to use "as needed" for anxiety. i had to go and get a blood workup done (at 7am today - ugh). Doc said it's going to be a lot of work, dealing with this, and the meds and everything. but he's optimistic and confident that all will go well.
i could go into stories of some things my family has said to me lately, but this entry is long enough as it is.
so there you have it. the latest episode of the journey inside my brain. stay tuned for more adventures as i wean off of one medication and get on 2 others -- simultaneously!
posted by: less-than3
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