i've been waiting; system's failing
good news: my girl, L, is going to be my partner in crime in Puerto Rico. YAY! someone actually wants to spend time with me. in the tropical sun, no less. she's actually excited. we spent this morning emailing back and forth, ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the resort's website and getting all psyched up.
(at least i'm not invisible to her)
and i know that most of you guys will tell me that i'm not invisible to anyone. but believe me...i am. i so fucking am. sometimes, words mean nothing. words melt in the sun, dissolve in the water, and drown in my tears.
i've been on the verge of throwing up since noon. i'm currently at my desk trying to keep myself from losing it completely. the tears have formed a lump in my throat. my hands are shaking and i keep shuddering.
i am so goddamn upset right now, you have no idea, people.
choose a vice for me to indulge in tonight. or give me a reason why i shouldn't.
give me a reason why i should give a fuck. give me some proof that i have some worth or value.
silence speaks a thousand words, as the saying goes. and i've been hearing novels in my head all day. my mind is churning as much as my stomach now.
it ain't pretty. neither am i.
see? i'm invisible. i could destroy myself a million and one ways, and no one would notice. i've done it before. i can get away with it. no one would bat an eyelash, and no one will swoop in to save me. i'm left alone to fight my battles.
sometimes i talk too much. some people know 99.44% of me. i fuck up and i (like an idiot) confess and i get a pat on the head and an "atta girl" for being honest and fessing up. but no one sees the bigger picture. being open does not solve the problem. it does not make the problem go away.
"you're so strong," they say. i'm not. just because i can admit my faults (when you have enough of them, it becomes so easy), does not mean that i am COPING well. it just means that i can open up my mouth and talk.
it does not mean that i'm dying any less.
be there. two simple words. encompassing the everything. two words that would illuminate me if they were strong enough to become real. instead, the words sit far away like stars - beautiful to look at, but intangible.
forgive me. it's another one of those times. what is trapped in here -- my head, my heart - is so clear and strong, but something i can not explain. the words fail me, like everything else.
as you all know, it's just a mood. fueled by my own stupidity and selfishness. if i could get certain lessons through my head, i'd be so much better off.
posted by: less-than3
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