lately i've been wishing i had one desire
for no other reason than my back is searing white pain.
i STILL have no pre-auth for my MRI - i left an extremely nasty voicemail at my doctor's office today. tomorrow i'm going to leave a message for the doctor himself. he NEEDS to get me stronger meds. painkillers.
it's only getting worse. i can no longer find ANY comfortable way to sit.
i have found that a nice bacardi and diet pepsi helps numb me. BUT, after last week's fiasco, i know that it's not a good idea. and dave doesn't think it's the best idea for me to continue this method of self-medication. and i agree wholeheartedly.
i didn't make a verbal promise to NOT drink, but i am trying to refrain. he'd be pissed to know that i'm doing it more for him, than myself. well, i guess he'll know when he reads this. the truth is, i don't want to disappoint him. peoplepleaser!meredith is in full-force. i am truly trying to be strong here.
i have a low tolerance for pain as it is, and i'm struggling not to cry. out of pain and frustration. why won't anyone (meaning my doctor and his office) help me? time is of the essence; i only have 2 weeks left at my job, and hence, ergo, only 2 weeks left of insurance. unless i go under COBRA, which is hella expensive.
and if it turns out that i need the surgery, i am ROYALLY screwed.
on top of knowing that i still need therapy, and still need to go to my p-doc for consultations and continuing my meds. mom is amazingly understanding about that - she said that she and dad will help me out with that if need be. because of her struggles with anxiety, panic attacks and depression, she knows how important and essential it is for me to continue all of my therapies.
why did i get the worst of it? why was my gorgeous, successful, rich older sister spared all of this? why was I cursed with ADD and bipolar disorder, type 2? i couldn't have caught one break? i struggle financially, have little-to-no motivation, and am a hurricane of emotion.
the ONLY comfort in my madness is that it fuels my creativity.
my sister = thin and beautiful. me = unable to keep weight off for more than a few months and...eh, cute, at best
my sister = focused and successful. me = well, you all know how i'm doing in that respect.
my sister = sane, with a lovely home life. me = not-so-sane, and far behind in comparison to her at my age, as well as my peers.
i wish i had enough of an attention span to start my book. everyone is convinced that i MUST publish a book of my "meredith stories". my poetry as well - but poetry is easy to churn out. verses and phrases are ideal for the attention deficient.
there are a million reasons to drink myself into oblivion, as you can see. but i won't. at least not tonight.
i've been stalking nicole as much as possible, because it is her 26th birthday! happy birthday to my "sister"...if not by bloodlines, then by heart. (aww! i should have put up a "sap alert" on that one) girl, you deserve all the happiness in the world. love ya girl!
posted by: less-than3
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