let heaven and nature sing
swallow. the lump in my throat is still there. blink. fight back the sting. control the tremor in my breathing. shaking from the inside out. it's not fair, it's not fair, and i know that it's not. but it has turned around on me, now, hasn't it.
it's impossible to type while your sleeves are pulled down over your fingertips. so mine are numb at the tips. i feel nothing but cold. and the angst of the near-death experience that threatens me every day.
make it hurt, i deserve it...
i smoked almost 2 whole packs of cigarettes yesterday. i sat, dressed in enormous layers, shivering, because heat is an expensive luxury - only to be used for mere minutes before being shut off again. a 25 watt bulb plus a 65 watt bulb should be enough to light a room, right? my skin itches. because it's dry. because it's yearning for the release it has been denied. because it knows my weaknesses. it knows my disgust. it knows my truth; the lights in my eyes are going out.
and you're noticing nothing again...
is this what happiness is? the constant knowledge of how inferior you are, and braving the big, bad world nevertheless? am i supposed to be content, realizing that i'm one step away from losing it all? no beauty or desire here to show. accept the facts when i look in the mirror, when i count the pills, when i balance the checkbook, when i look around my apartment, and realize that there's way too much that i just don't care about anymore.
if you were to fall, you'd pick up your own pieces. i don't have that ability anymore. maybe i never did, and i just faked it well. nothing's working anymore - i'm spending close to $100 per month to do what i do everyday - pretend to be okay. the only difference is that now there are additives and preservatives in the mix.
a silent dance that we did into this hospital bed...
i can't beg anymore. not because it's beneath me; it's not. i am just out of strength. i know who i am, and everyone else does too. and still, they just don't understand that "no reaction" means "i don't care" and that "mad" equals "end".
the approval i'll never gain. the accolades i'll never hear. the peace i'll never feel. it kills me everyday. i scream silently when i'm alone.
mom told me she prayed for me the other night: "just let meredith be happy." whatever it takes, she said. well, i'm waiting for my huge miracle to arrive. i'm desperately hoping that God doesn't play practical jokes.
i'm jealous. so unbelievably jealous. why? well, among other reasons:
you'll never have to feel this way, and you know it. and that holds such power.
posted by: less-than3
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