like a flower leaning towards the sun

i go to work, format resumes, laugh with coworkers, email my friends, and come home. i eat leftover chinese food. i surf the internet and listen to howie day, ol' dirty bastard, and random christmas songs on iTunes.

weekends come and i sleep. a lot. or, like this past weekend, i sleep very little, spending time with the college crew. partying. cavorting. regurgitating the same tired stories about spring break in Daytona, which, to be quite honest, never really get old.

conversations will turn. i will sigh, make snarky comments and shrug everything off with a giggle and bravado. the cocky confidence that i'll actually BELIEVE that i have, for a little while.

but it will crash and burn. it always does. because no matter how many pseduo-flirtations statements i share with my gayboys, or how many Raspberry Smirnoff Twisted whatever-they-ares i drink, the truth will sneak back up on me.

it is spinning and spiraling away from me. out of my grasp and control. not that i had either to begin with, i guess. because I'M the weak one. i'm the one who exposes it all - veiled in vagueness or not - heart on sleeve to the death of me.

because, you know how i do.

sometimes i like to think that this makes me the strong one. i'm the one who says it and brings it. i'm the risk-taker. jumping and leaping, or at the very least, offering to.

strength in my emotionality, but yet oh-so-weak. fragile. because knowledge is key. knowledge is power. and the knowledge of who i am and how i operate, can be used against me.

i'm sitting here, hangin' around. waiting. wondering. hoping. but knowing that most likely, i am the only one doing this. because life does go on without me. the world does not revolve around the brilliant sun that i'd love to rename as meredith elaine.

but i have nothing else to do at the moment. since 430pm, my voice, mingling with the likes of madonna and prince, is the only one i've heard.

it'll smack me upside the head at any moment. but i AM able to forget that my status is not necessarily quo (for a little while, anyway).

i can forget it, because i have yet to accept it.

i've been holding on for dear life, but i am weakening, and my grip is loosening.

maybe in THAT weakness, my strength will come.

and maybe i will wait no more.

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

8:59 p.m.
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