my window is right over the entrance to the freeway
i'm still dealing with the repercussions of not having all of my medications. and it sucks. i'm so frustrated with having to be more medicated than i ever have in my LIFE. COBRA's version of my insurance is not connecting with all of my old insurance files, so i only have 1/2 of my meds. they still are denying me 1/2 of my meds, which, of course, are the ones that i am pretty much OUT OF. i have 2 wellbutrin XLs left, and COBRAinsurance is saying that i need to try some other "step plan" (i guess regular wellbutrin) first. same with the lexapro. if they looked back into my oldinsurance's files, they'd see that i did that, oh, several months ago. i've been on the same dosages for MONTHS now. everything is supposed to transition over smoothly; however, it is not.
so, i've been sleeping, a lot. not facing life. wednesday, i slept until 4PM. that's not normal for me. a myspace friend (minion, really) managed to lure me out of the house with the promise of taco bell -- i haven't eaten taco bell since i was dating my ex from ohio -- but then it turned into this sushi dinner at a trendy restaurant. $100 worth of various rolls, with drum n' bass/latin fusion/funk-jazz on the sound system, with fish, aquarium-style, showing on the high-definition TV screens. we were in a back room, on these lounging couches with pillows all around, eating our sushi, and the fish-movie REALLY started to look like fishie-porn. there were these huge snail-shell looking things just floating around rocking back and forth, and i just said, "if this shell's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!!"
so, of course, everything we watched became a bit perverted after that! it was entertaining. but i felt kinda weird, because it almost felt like a pseudo-date, which i didn't want it to be. i was disappointed, because i wasn't getting taco bell, PLUS, sushi is NOT filling. we ordered 5 or 6 different kinds of rolls, and honestly, i could have eated them ALL myself. and my companion for the evening was a bit upset (semi-jokingly) with me when we left the restaurant and i checked my voicemails. there was one from eric saying that he was working at the restaurant (his 2nd job he's taken on). so i called and left him a voicemail saying that i was out having sushi with said myspace!minion, that we were going to get some beers and possibly play pool for a while, but when he got off of work, he should come up and visit me and say hi. (it should be known that eric and i are neighbors - we live in the same apartment building, and i live one floor upstairs from him).
well, myspace!minion said, "i can't believe i just took you out for a $100 sushi dinner, and i just had to hear you give your man a bootycall!" (he's laughing as he says this). i said, "it wasn't a bootycall! i just haven't seen him in 2 days! he's my downstairs neighbor, and it's not normal not to see your neighbor for 2 days!" and minionboy said, "well i have neighbors that i don't see for weeks at a time!" and i said, "yeah, but are they, like, your BFF for life or anything?" and he said, "no, but one of them made me tea once..." and i said, "dude, that is SO not the same!"
minionboy has known from DAY ONE that eric and i are together, so this is no surprise. i didn't ASK minionboy to take me out for sushi, nor did i ask him to pay for it all. GRR! frustration. i don't understand why he's been pursuing me hardcore for the past month. whatever.
anyway, this was not my point of the story.
yesterday, i slept until 1pm, and then headed to the pharmacy, where i found out all the continuing issues surrounding my medication. i got more topomax, and got a refund on my birth control. but i STILL need my lexapro and wellbutrin, and i just got my adderall prescription mailed to me from my psych-doc, so i haven't even TRIED dropping that off yet. thank god my new pharmacy is 24 hours.
i ended up taking ANOTHER nap last night, and missed another of eric's calls. but woke up and made it to a show for one of the bands we're friends with. it was difficult for me to get motivated to get there. but i did it, and i'm glad i did. because seeing the familiar faces always helps me out. and of course, hearing good music. A SCRIBE AMIDST THE LIONS -- be sure to keep your eyes peeled, people. they are fabulous. different than anything i listen to, that's for sure. they're on myspace, and they have a website of their own, i believe. google them, check 'em out.
i ended up telling eric my latest pharmaceutical tale of woe. god. he's so f'n understanding about all this. he's a fucking godsend. plus he was all just happy to see me, which of course, is probably the best medicine EVER. and, it turns out we have plans to go out saturday night on a double date with the drummer of his (former *sniffle*) band and his girlfriend, people who i adore so superduper much. we're going to go to the movies and get sushi and probably go out somewhere after all that too. so that'll be great, to get to know them better too. and i honestly don't think i've been on a double-date before in my life! not since i was on a double-date that was a BLIND DATE (on my end) for the homecoming dance when i was a sophomore in high school. and that was DISASTEROUS. this, clearly, will be much better.
today, i slept through a phone screen i was supposed to have. yeah. i even set my alarm to wake me up an hour early so i could look over the company's websites. i wasn't 100% gung-ho about the job anyway, so i'm not heartbroken, but still. i'm disappointed in myself. A LOT. and i ended up sleeping through until 1pm. so i can tell that i'm falling back into this state that i was in when i moved back home with my parents. and that's just NOT good. but i know this time it's because i'm out of balance. out of chemical balance. obviously. and i think i'm feeling -- un-useful (that's not a word, is it...)
i'm not working, and as much as i say that i'm enjoying my "life of leisure"...maybe it's starting to wear thin. maybe i need to feel productive in society. and to myself. maybe going to target every other day isn't enough. i know i'm starting to eat too much again. my double-chin is starting to return a little, and my thin-jeans aren't feeling quite so comfy. if i was busy at a job, i wouldn't have as much time to sit around and be lazy and chow down on noodles and stuff.
i just got word the other day that another one of my friends from college is pregnant! WOW! how exciting is that! she sent me a picture of an ultrasound -- how cute! i can't help, of course, being a little jealous. not that i'm at all ready for kids or anything like that. not by a long shot. but it's just a reminder to me that i have friends, MOST of my friends that i went to school with, actually, are so much more WITH IT, and settled than i am. and i KNOW, I KNOW i shouldn't be comparing myself to them. because i was always behind - as a kid, growing up, even now. i was always a late bloomer, and i know this, deep in my heart and soul. but it's hard. it's hard when most of your friends are married and own homes and have kids or are having kids. or, in the cases of my gayboys, are going to town hall and signing for domestic partnerships and owning homes together, and planning "weddings" and...everyone just has their shit together.
so add all that typical meredithelaine-esque "i'm 30, and i'm so NOT 30 and i'm so far behind on the typical timeline of life" whining to the fact that my chemical balance is royally fucked and the fact that all i want to do is sleep and perhaps cry and my motivation is pretty much ZERO except for going to target and hanging out with eric and the new friends that i've made, i'm SO beyond screwed right now, it's not even funny.
i've even been trying to kick up the amount of caffeine, in an attempt to jumpstart myself... to no avail. so far.
suggestions? anyone? you know, suggestions that i actually might take you up on? hehe. considering it's now mid-afternoon, i'm still in bed, not out of my PJs and even taking a shower seems like an arduous task?
ps: if you actually made it through reading this entire monstrously long entry, you deserve a cookie. or some taco bell. hee!
love to all, as always. no matter how down-in-the-dumps or miserable i get, that's something that never dies. how much i love all of you. you all KNOW that, right? i just want to make sure.
xox
posted by: less-than3
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