no need to worry, no need to cry
i was going to write about how, for my 30th birthday (in a year, a month and 10 days, for those of you counting), i want to have a prom. for real. actually for all my friends on the verge of 30. have a pseudo-prom. i don't know. maybe everyone else has happy prom memories. i have proof that i was there -- in the form of photos and champagne flutes -- but i don't remember a thing. i don't choose to, i guess. not good experiences. not intertesting experiences.
so i am/was considering taking the money my parents have stashed up in the "yeah right, meredith might get married someday" fund, and have a prom. but. knowing my friends...the chances of actually getting everyone to convene on one day are slim to none.
so that depressed me.
then there's the fact that i have $60 to get me through to the 30th of this month. i have a $80+ auto insurance bill due, a $160 train pass to buy, not to mention father's day, my dad's birthday, my sister's birthday and my nephew's birthday -- all being celebrated this sunday. plus dashboard confessional on saturday - which means tailgating beforehand.
basically, i'm falling deeper into debt. i'm regretting ever moving to philly more than ever. i'm wondering where the hell my life is going.
i don't know what i did wrong along the way. everything just seems to be out of place. i don't expect everything to be peachy-keen 100% perfect, but some resolution would be nice.
i'd like to be not quite so full of dread. i worry about a lot of things. (yes i realize i'm stating the glaringly obvious)
i worry about lacking focus. i worry about being alone. i worry about being poor. i worry about being sick. i worry about losing it completely.
every day is like this
fuck me. my entries lately have been bullshit. crap. the poetry, craptastic as it is, has been better than anything i've been able to articulate in a day-to-day sort of way.
i'm not being heard. i'm not being understood. i want to sit in the corner and rock back and forth all night. i want to fall apart. completely.
i do.
i'm sick of trying so goddamn hard. sure, i'm coping day to day. and everything is okay. but nothing in my life right now is how i WANT it to be. oh sure, it's better than utter disaster, but it's not ideal.
ideal would be nice.
but no. meredith has to struggle. meredith has to be angsty.
when do i get to come home at the end of the day, sigh and think "wow, today was a good day"?
i'm not asking for stellar. i'm asking for okay. i'm asking to not want to just curl up in my fantasies of this fabulousness that ain't gonna happen. i'm drowning in my daydreams. and i know what happens when i do this. i don't want to swim anymore. just fall deeper and deeper into my own little fantasy bubble world.
i feel like, at this stage of the game, i should at least have a tiny bit of satisfaction.
but lately, that's been harder and harder to find.
posted by: less-than3
[if you like what you read, please clix me!]
meredithelaine's recently played tracks:
meredithelaine's most played tracks of the past week:
