oh what fun it is to ride!
it's moments like this that i wish i was back in the deepest depression. i was in bed by 9pm, and i didn't eat more than 2 meals per day. at least when i was really low - i could take a teeny bit of pride in the fact that i'd never looked better in my life. now i just have this mediocrity of emotion, bags under my eyes, and an extra 15 pounds on my body.
there's the "everyday" side of me that goes on living the regular life - work, commuting, phone calls, chores...then there is the side of me that just wants to fuck myself up and destroy myself. i think the "everyday" side of me is thankful that i don't have access to drug sources. the "fucked" side of me would probably do anything and everything, if given free reign to do so. "everyday" is really trying to get herself straightened out, trying to have a more positive outlook, trying to chill out. "fucked" is feeling a strong urge to break on through to the other side.
so many people in my life are just beautiful. inside and out. smart. talented. kindhearted. and it just makes me feel unworthy of being in their presence, almost. "everyday" thinks that she's just as wonderful as the beautiful people in her life. "fucked" wants to know who the hell "everyday" thinks she is.
(such is the mindset of this girl)
last night, i slept in fleece PJs, a giant fleece sweatshirt on top of that, and 3 blankets on top of me. i didn't turn on the heat. i'm trying to keep my electric bill as low as possible. only 1 light on at a time, no heat, etc. (besides, you burn calories in your sleep if you keep the room cold) so right now, i have to choose between sleeping in comfy warmth, and sleeping with the christmas lights on.
christmas lights win.
posted by: less-than3
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