one time, one place, one more
4 pages are typed and printed, ready to be presented.
i am so nauseous. i am shaking. i am on the verge of tears because i hear nothing but music that i do not like. nothing satisfies me anymore. everything is dischordant. and i only hear voices that i do not want to hear. my body temperature is rising and falling sporadically. i did finally take a shower at 4 this afternoon, only to get right back into some comfy clothes.
my eyes are wet. they want to be sopping, flooding, but i won't let the dam break. i don't let my fingers push the buttons i so desperately want to. i won't write more than i already have. i won't. I WON'T. i won't be so goddamn NEEDY, because that is the fatal flaw, the sin, that always does meredithelaine in.
instead, i will tie myself over and over in knots. i will shake and jitter under the surface and behind closed doors, and practice pushing it all further down and away. awayAwAyAWAY!
i paid all my bills today. on time. EARLY, even. i've started getting 1099s and other "important tax information" in the mail - and i've put them into a folder - ORGANIZATION! i've got it together! everything in manila folders, labeled and pendaflex-filed. organized my address list. and i found the 2 missing checks that i had gotten for christmas. $200 more for the SD moving fund.
i'm going to go back and hide in bed again.
posted by: less-than3
[if you like what you read, please clix me!]
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