reality scares me to death
lots of drinking, of course. laughter in the eyes and smiling at the inside jokes. i guess it's a comfort to know that in some circumstances, long periods of time can pass and nothing changes. we'll find the same things hysterical, we still drink the same beers...and some people do still want to get in my pants - even moreso now.
it's all nothing, it's all meaningless and it's all bullshit. but it's attention. which of course, is always nice, even if it is slightly irking.
i just hate when people lie and act charming to try and get what they want. at least i'm smarter now than i was then. but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less, or make me doubt the world any less.
i dance and sing and shake my head, whipping my hair around so no one can look in my eyes. if i maintained eye contact, you'd see the sadness and the weakness and then you'd KNOW. so i dance some more. and pretend to watch the basketball game on the giant flatscreen tv overhead. as if i care.
at least i don't run out of bars crying like i used to, and walk home alone. instead, i just space out and blink back tears. hold my breath, hold them in. be the silly!meredith that everyone knows and loves (but doesn't love quite enough).
the downside to the high of the fun outings is the plunge into this sadness. i'm so lonely again. and i'm in this bed and it's me and this song over and over that makes me so sad but the lyrics have nothing to do with anything that i'm feeling, but it wrentches my gut just the same.
i don't want to be alone in this bed right now. and i'm not talking about fucking or anything like that -- my head is still pounding from last night's dehydration. i just want to feel close. genuinely special. no bullshit. i want to watch someone watching me until i fall asleep. i want to wake up and have that person still be there, and be able to watch them secretly. i want to kiss that person awake.
i hate when it hurts like this.
posted by: less-than3
[if you like what you read, please clix me!]
meredithelaine's recently played tracks:
meredithelaine's most played tracks of the past week:
