somewhere i belong

last night was the perfect driving night. just cool enough to keep the window open without getting chilly. i drove to pick up my chinese take-out dinner, and wished that i could have driven all night.

back in NJ, i used to just drive. 2 hours at a time, but never venturing further than 20 minutes from my home. Bridgewater, Warren, Bedminster, the Bernardsville Mountain...armed with mix tapes, i'd sing at the top of my lungs, and pine over my latest love quandry.

over time, driving has become more of a chore. there's little enjoyment now. there are few open, winding roads. when i drive now, there's always a goal, a destination. i must get somewhere that is far away. 2 hours is the closest venture i have these days. to the shore, to my friends, to my family, to my boyfriend...just hurryupandgettherealready.

i've made the promise to myself time and time again, that i'd stop schlepping all over god's green earth all the time for other people. but the fact of the matter is -- wherever they are, is better than where i am. once i started making almost daily treks to the shore, over 3 years ago, getting in the car and driving 1, 2...7 hours away meant that someone, at the other end of the road, was going to welcome me. someone was going to be happy to see me. leaving wherever i was meant also leaving my head, in a way. whatever was troubling me -- i could leave it. physically and mentally. go somewhere where the smile on someone else's face would take my mind of my misery.

do i hate myself, and wherever i am, that much that i need to run and find comfort in someone else, and somewhere else?

apparently so.

as much as i so desperately want people to come visit me, i think that i'm afraid of it. i think that i'm afraid that the misery that is wherever i am, will make whoever comes to see me miserable as well.

and that they won't want to come back.

i don't hate hatfield, pennsylvania. it's just that...i've realized that there are other places where i'd much rather be. so i just keep driving. no matter how far, no matter how long. until i find my way "home".

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

8:44 p.m.
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