special
it's a sickness, sprung from insecurity, and years of knowing the truth.
high school was a bitch. i had lots of friends, but was never in the in-group. i was relatively smart, but had to bail from the honors classes, because i couldn't stomach being the only one to struggle, while the others were breezing by with A's and B's. i never dated. unless you count my sophomore year blind date to the homecoming dance. my friend's boyfriend hooked us up, convinced we'd get on great, since we both liked rap music. (oh yes, that's a proven recipe for love)
i see people in my world, directly or tangentially, with fabulous jobs, owning homes, having or in the process of obtaining advanced degrees, married and having kids, doing their part to save the world, being brilliant, writing amazing words, being beautiful, being happy and fulfilled.
and i feel more and more inadequate by the day.
i want to be a woman that people, directly or tangentially (yes, it's a recurring theme), are proud of. in awe of. i want to be thought of as someone special. doing good, even great things. and, yes, i'll admit it, i want to be someone that someone envies. i want someone to say, damn, that meredith, she's ________. she's one helluva woman.
for something other than my boobs, thankyouverymuch. ok, in ADDITION to my boobs.
i don't always want to be meredith, the survivor of bad things. or for people to think that meredith, she keeps on truckin', now doesn't she?
i am THAT insecure, that i need constant verification. i've always thought of myself as the victim of the out of sight, out of mind syndrome. so i try and put myself out there, being as good as person as i can, doing as many nice things as i can for people. i want people to know that i care, and that i find them special and meaningful to me.
i want to be special.
posted by: less-than3
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