step by step...i really think it's just a matter of time
as i'm sure is quite obvious from most of my entries lately, i've been drinking - a lot. debilitating pain plus emotional anguish equals disaster. as per the usual for me, i went from fine-fine-fine to insanely, blindly wasted in a split second. it's never gradual with me. it catches me off guard.
i got violently ill last night. i had only had 2 pieces of bologna and 2 steak-umms for dinner.
(damn this low-carb shit. this trend is not going to last in my life much longer)
i know that it bothers/worries people when they see/hear me like that. hell, it bothers me. i feel so guilt-ridden for it. of course, deep in my heart, i feel as if i deserve it. making myself incoherently drunk and sick, and risking losing people because of it.
"make it hurt, i deserve it" - taking back sunday
even though all is well now in my interpersonal respects, and i didn't have a hangover this morning (thanks to gallons of water), i am uneasy. i still feel nervous, horrified and ashamed. i wish i knew WHY i have this desire to destroy myself. i am not deserving of anything good or any happiness. why do i feel inherently BAD? (damn, maybe i SHOULD be catholic - that whole idea that i am a sinner and a bad person, and that i have to continually pray for forgiveness - from god, from you...)
i am not drinking tonight. i am going to sit here through my aches and pains and the hole in my heart. my mind is already spinning from the luck i have of gracious forgiveness. i don't deserve it. no kindness, no love. as much as i try, i cannot stop believing that and beating it into my brain.
will i ever be okay?
posted by: less-than3
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