meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

take my hand, take my life - take take take take take take it away


2005-01-26 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

everything is falling apart. my home life sucks, my work life sucks, my social life sucks. i'm in debt, i'm insecure, i'm indefinitely moving back in with mom and dad.

K is gone. either fired or quit, depending on what story you believe.
and honestly, i don't know what to believe. i don't think anyone's
being straight with me. G and i are in shock, and in panic. but it really seems as if the "higher ups" just want to destroy our office. or completely control it from Newark/New York/Boston.

is it so wrong to want to work in the office in which you were hired
for? because K has been going up to newark 3 days a week, for "training"-- making the same calls he'd be making down here. meanwhile, there's only 2 of us back here in philly. we are the smallest, most short-staffed office by far.

and now, G is being sent up to boston for 2 days next week for more training. leaving me in the office by myself for 2 days. one day is no big deal. 2 (or more) is a different story altogether.

i just feel as if no one really gives a fuck about me, G, or our office. it's a whole lot more stress in my life, which i don't want. so much for my stomach becoming un-knotted.

part of me just wants to walk out. but walk out where? part of me is anxious about the whole thing -- but only because i feel like i have to be. the rest of me just doesn't care. but i have to be here for G. i like her. that just wouldn't be fair. and i can't leave this place on bad terms.

i haven't cared about much lately. i'm back to going to bed at 9pm again. i don't want to talk. i don't want to get out of bed in the morning. i want to sleep without dreams, because i don't want to wake up and have anything to hope for anymore. it's not worth it.

i'm sick of empty promises and shallow surface support. people telling me that they're on my side. that they're going to help me, be there every step of the way.

bull-fucking-shit.

you want my blood, my sweat, my tears. my work ethic, my money, my smile-and-nodding-ness. my guarantees, my relinquishment, my compromise. my support, my cheers, my encouragement.

fine.

take it. take it all away.

just don't lie and promise me the world. don't pat me on the back and say you're proud of me. don't give me a hug. don't tell me i'm a "trooper". because right now, i don't feel like i'm getting a damn thing back from this world. stupid me for having even the LOWEST of expectations.

so just take what you want. because if you take it all away, maybe my head, stomach and heart won't hurt every single day.


posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

3:22 p.m.
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