the omnipresent "waaah waaah poor me" meredithentry

when i start to think of it, i get sick to my stomach. hey, i'm going to change my life again...temporarily! the fact that i KNOW this time that it's temporary (as opposed to when i thought i was going to live and thrive in philadelphia FOREVER), doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

oh joy! i'm going to be living with mom and dad again! oh yay! i'm going to be another 2 hours further from my boyfriend! wheeeeee! i have no job, and no aspirations whatsoever! rock on!

i've got the world on a string, i tell ya. and i think i'm going to go hang myself with that string.

indefinitely temporarily is a scary phrase. also very hard to pronounce correctly.

and quite honestly, i'm SICK AND TIRED of being told to be patient. good things come to those who wait. blee blah. i have spent almost 30 years on this planet, and i have had most of my dreams, stupid or important, crushed. what am i waiting for? another disappointment? great. sign me up.

it is about fucking time i get mine. and i don't want to hear "suck it up and deal". i'd like someone/thing to suck it up and deal with ME for once. to be the fucking priority. even if just (heh) temporarily. i'd like the silver platter handed to me right about now.

instead, i feel like i'm living my life standing in the "we'll get to you...eventually" line.

words can't describe how angry i am. how disappointed in my life i am. i live from weekend to weekend. whether i'm alone, out with L and B, or visiting dave. sometimes, it's as if i have little more than that to hope for.

(i'd include visiting the family in that list - but depending on the degree of oppression in that environment, and the level of sobriety of my father, going to see the fam is a hit-or-miss venture.)

life is a highway...with less than 1/4 mile of visibility in front of me.

i want to punch someone. or destroy something. i want to inflict every ounce of pain that i have onto someone/thing else.

instead of doing it to myself.

i want to show everyone the product of my destruction and say "here! see this? THIS is what i fucking feel like!"

still, would anyone understand?

i suppose i could take the easy way out when i move back to jersey. i could stop working altogether. i could become a slug, sponge off of mom and dad, and never leave my room. i could wallow and sleep. detach myself even further.

how do you think it feels when that is the ONLY future you see clearly in front of you?

things are a mess. and i don't know how to tidy my life up. i'm stubborn as hell, because i know a lot of the things that i want. but i can't get them -- either "not yet" or "not ever". and it makes me want to just give up.

i hate fighting a losing battle against the world.

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

3:12 p.m.
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