meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

to all the "whoms" it may concern


2004-09-24 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

you can take what you want from me. at your convenience. i am at your disposal.

there is a world of different between want and need. i'm wanted a million and one times a day -- wanted to fix the fax machine, wanted to come back to NJ, wanted for sex. everyone can just make me their personal whore or slave in some way or another.

but need? no. nobody fucking needs me. nobody's day is a little easier, a little brighter or a little more tolerable because of me. not to get overdramatic about it, but it's not like i'm oxygen to anyone, you know what i'm sayin'? i'm not the star in someone else's sky.

i'm dispensible. disposable.

i don't want to be important because i'm there. i want to be important because i'm ME. and fuck you if you think that makes me self-centered and arrogant, because there are people in this world that i would do anything for. that i would fucking die for. and i'm not sure if i know how to prove that.

do i NEED to prove that? i'm failing everyone. and i know that. because no one's telling me what i'm doing okay. just pointing out my shortcomings and (even worse), not saying a goddamn word to me. silence speaks louder than words, and i'm getting the message loud and clear.

tears are threatening to ruin my workday. not that it isn't already ruined, you know. i'm reeling and trying to recover from a very rough night. you really don't want to know how sick i made myself last night.

i'm sick of this. i shouldn't have to try so hard. maybe with people i don't know, yes. but not otherwise. i shouldn't have to bend over backwards to get a scrap of attention. that shit doesn't placate me anymore. i'm sick of being sporadic. i hate being a person of convenience. i have made myself more than convenient to more than enough people. you need me, come find me. i'm tired of running around after people: "is there anything i can do for you?" know this: i'm always available. but i don't want to stalk anyone anymore, just to help them out, be a team player, and/or prove my love and loyalty.

but you best better recognize the fact that i am the best damn (fill in the blank with appropriate noun) you will ever have. get it? respect it. or just fucking forget it.

***

my sister ratted me out to our mother about my stopping my meds. now my mom's hopping on the "well pay for your meds" bandwagon. i flat out refuse.

my mother said that giving me money for my meds is no different than going to my sister's house and taking care of my nephew 2 days a week. i am almost 30; my nephew just turned 3. lovely fucking analogy.

it's all power. all a struggle for power. to let someone give me money, is to give up any little power i have. my father still wants me under his thumb. a little 5 year old girl to mold and control. mom's not quite as bad, but dad's influence would spill over. and after my mom dropping the ball about my spending habits a few weeks ago...well, she can't be trusted either. and if my sister gave me money...that's just another way she's showing that she has more money than i do. i don't need to be reminded.

and i'm sure coming back to NJ would eventually be an issue. a condition. sugarcoated "it would be so much easier on you if you just came home, you can live with us until you get back on your feet..."

no. not now. no more. christ. if i have to live the the ghetto of fucking north philly or in the backwoods of arkansas, i'll do that first.

***

normally i'd apologize for this sort of entry, but today i'm not. i am feeling unloved, fucked over and manipulated. everyone's got a goddamn agenda, don't they...?



posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

2:22 p.m.
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