wasting my time in the waiting line
(extra-special-stating-the-obvious side note: watched garden state last night. one of the best movies i've ever seen. bias towards anything "jersey" aside.)
i had another breakdown today. such a small trigger fired off a cannon inside of me. dave told some off-hand story from his college days. and he said: "i really miss college."
2 tears ran down my face as i pulled out of the A+ Mart at the mobil (or exxon?) station. all that kept repeat-playing in my head was:
i miss college too.
i wish my friends still loved me.
i miss college too.
i wish my friends still loved me.
i miss college too.
i wish my friends still loved me.
i miss college too.
i wish my friends still loved me...
upon returning to the apartment, i shook and cried. questioning every facet of my life. what did i do to drive (the majority of) my friends away? i know i'm difficult, and drama, and tears. but christalmighty, i would do ANYTHING for these people.
but maybe not, anymore.
i'm sick of pouring out love and friendship into multitudes of Solo cups and not being offered a sip in return. ok, crappy metaphor, but i'm sure it's obvious what i mean.
L and i spoke of this recently. it's hard to always feel on the fringe. to not hear the phone ring. to not be on the "REPLY ALL" email list. but even L has a new circle. i'm certainly not slighting her for that. or anyone else in the crew, for that matter. lives change, and people get friends at work, doing laundry at the Fluff-and-Fold, anywhere.
i just wish that i had a circle of my own.
i'm angry that my life has turned out this way. i'm angry that i can't figure it out. i'm angry that i even let it affect me this much. i'm jealous of people with their even somewhat-settled lives. i'm jealous of people with direction. i'm angry that i never had it. i'm angry that no one ever noticed that i didn't have direction. i didn't know i was supposed to have it. if i did, i would have asked someone to help me. i'm angry that no one saw the need to help me. i'm angry that i look too deeply into everything, and see things that aren't there. i'm angry that i'm probably missing the obvious. i'm jealous of people who have the obvious. i hate that i moved to philadelphia almost 3 years ago, and what do i have to show for it? a decent job, and $500 that i won in a karaoke contest (that was spent in its entirety about 3 days later). of course, i have dave, but i'd like to think that he would have popped into my life, regardless of my philadelphian location.
why can't i get my life together? i have TWO months to figure out where i'm going, and what i want to do. lord knows i've got little flickering ideas - but perhaps it's best to never let them see the light. i wonder about that. what do i have left to lose?
in some ways, nothing. in some ways, everything.
i wish i had mental telepathy. then i could send secret messages and wishes, and ask the recipients to respond (or not respond) accordingly. that way, risk wouldn't be as astronomically high. and my pride wouldn't be squashed, necessarily. although, i'd probably find a way to fuck up even the easiest of ways out.
is there truly anywhere, and any way, that i will thrive?
posted by: less-than3
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