when you call my name, it's like a little prayer
she doesn't do it often, mostly during times of desperation. her interpretation of desperation. which is usually some miniscule personal crisis.
she prays because she knows what she wants. always has, since she was five years old and giving God directions to her house, detailed from her driveway to the edge of the universe. the who/what/where/when/why/how of her prayers have varied slightly over the years, but the overall request is the same.
but is what she wants what He/She/Generic Deity #946 has in mind for her?
the music is her heaven. not being raised on any particular version of christianity, she's not good at the whole "going to church" thing. a lot of the scripture and ritualism is lost on her. she's been blessed, so they say, with a God given talent. and it's the moments when she opens her mouth and melodies and harmonies flow like springwater, that she feels blessed. feels a connection with something/one. everything/one.
tonight, though, she's not singing. the music is playing, but she is not singing. she is praying. fragmented thoughts and hopes that spring forth in attention-deficient bursts. the "Our Father" is quick and easily learned. try and go it alone, however, and it's not so poetic. quite choppy and sporadic.
singing is so much easier. it could be a britney spears song, and it'd be somewhat of a praise: even though i am singing a secular, fluffy pop song, i am fully aware of the talent i've been given, how blessed i am -- in ways both obvious and not-so-much. everything happens for a reason, i know...
but her prayers of personal wishes -- they're just not coherent. is that the problem? is that why things haven't turned out as planned? because she's not explaining it correctly, and hasn't been all these years?
or is it just that the song isn't completely written yet?
that must be it.
she needs to have faith that when the song is finished, she'll know.
and she'll be ready to sing.
posted by: less-than3
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