where do i draw the line?
so i think nothing of exchanging numbers to make plans to meet up back at the bar for karaoke or some other night.
yay! a friend! hold up...not so fast.
he starts telling me how i'm "so cute!" and "so fun!" (what...? who does that?). ok. still no red flags - much. he starts getting touchy - touching my shoulder while talking, that kind of thing. ok, i'm affectionate, so i'm not panicking - much.
he insists on walking me to my car. (no really, that's okay) he does anyway, holding my arm somewhat awkwardly. like a grip on me, sort of. i'm trying to keep my cool and not panic. maybe he's just weird? he wants to massage my shoulders because i look "tense" apparently. (wonder why?) i keep saying i've got to go, he's leaning against my car and keeps continuing the conversation. he tells me that he wants to take me on his boat some night this week and give me a massage under the stars. "i really have to go," i'm saying over and over - gripping my keys tightly, working my way towards the door to unlock it. finally i get to leave.
he KNOWS that i have a boyfriend. i made that more than perfectly clear. AND i thought he was GAY!! so now my whole world of gay-ness and straight-ness and friendship has been thrown into disarray.
where is the line? when is it crossed? when is it okay for me to yank myself away from someone or smack them across the face? i don't know. i don't know how to do this. use to be a time when it didn't matter - i'd just close my eyes and let him do whatever he wanted.
but that's not me anymore.
is it my fault? are my attempts to be friendly coming off as "too" friendly? am i giving off some sort of flirtatious vibe that i'm not meaning to? i hate this. i want to make friends, i want to be nice. i don't want people thinking i'm a bitch. or standoffish. or psycho for wigging out about nothing. i'm new to town and don't want to alienate myself after only 2 months here. but what do i say or do when i think boundaries are being crossed? i really don't know.
being friends with primarily gay guys, i am not prepared to deal with straight men. i don't know how to gauge when someone's being nice or when someone's hitting on me. until it's too late and i'm all freaked out.
what do i say? someone needs to teach me how to do this. i'm all alone out here and have no one to protect me. and i don't know how to protect myself. i feel like such an ass for admitting that. i'm almost 29; i should know these things. but i DON'T. (it must make you guys laugh hysterically as you continue to read, day after day, and see more & more what a loser i am.)
i didn't date in high school - no one even so much as had a crush on me. then i got thrown into 2 worlds in college: drunken hookup and gayboy central. one extreme or the other. i only know how to make out with guys, or be friends with gay guys.
everything else -- i'm winging it -- and failing miserably.
i'm socially retarded. and that's just a dangerous thing.
i didn't even have FUN last night. i sat at the bar by myself for about 20 minutes. the dj came and said hello, then took me to hang out with his friends, saying "meredith's new in town and has no friends, so i dragged her over here to hang out."
(wow. way to make me feel like even a BIGGER loser. thanks. i felt like they were being nice to me out of pity.)
they were nice enough, though. conversation went okay for the most part. a little awkward at times. singing was kind of a forced effort for me. you know that's a bad sign. it just wasn't fun -- the singing, the night overall.
no fun + uncomfortable situations that i don't know how to deal with = i can't go back there
situations like this make me want to just get really really fat. or really really skinny. do something to make myself uglier than i already am. i want to be invisible - figuratively; and/or literally, i suppose. then i wouldn't be at risk. i wouldn't have to take that chance. of trusting. of opening myself. that's when i get taken advantage of. that's when i find out the joke's on me.
and it's my fault. because i don't know how to stop it.
posted by: less-than3
[if you like what you read, please clix me!]
meredithelaine's recently played tracks:
meredithelaine's most played tracks of the past week:
