meredithelaine
you can take the girl out of jersey, but you can't take the jersey out of the girl

why can't you just be happy? why can't you just be happy?


2004-08-10 The current mood of meredithelaine at www.imood.com

i've been concerned lately. (shh. don't tell anyone)

i've had a few "episodes" recently. instances when i believe the world is against me, no one loves me and i might as well slit my wrists right here and now. it's not always THAT bad, but there's usually crying and wailing involved. and me apologizing for being a nuisance...again.

so i'm worried that the curse that seems to plague me every 4-8 months is occuring again.

FAILURE. the failure of my meds to triumph over whatever this affliction is that likes to play around my brain and cause trouble.

do i need to readjust everything again? do i have to go to the doctor and obtain the sheets of paper that confirm the announcement that, once again, the treatment has not been a success?

this gets old. for me, for everyone around me. i don't want anyone to "give up" on me. unfortunately, it HAS happened. those were the times that all of my pride was shot to hell, and i begged for love, for more chances, for forgiveness.

"i'll try harder."

all over something that isn't my fault. it just is there. and most of the time, it sucks.

i'm more depressive than manic, unfortunately. for the most part, mania is pretty damn cool. i'm smiles and inspiration and giggles and productivity. i want to buy the world a Coke and keep it company. (sorry to those too young to get the commercial reference there). i run around my apartment singing. i feel pretty fucking beautiful.

there is an ugly side to mania, though. quick tempered frustration. tearing my room apart and crying because i can't find my grey hoodie.

the depressive side: well, ready 85% of my diary and my poetry and catch a glimpse of that demon. crying, cutting, drinking. the sad paranoia. the only positive part is the creativity that flows forth from it.

everytime i start to feel better, the meds are kicking in and i'm feeling more even-keeled, everyone becomes so proud of me. i get a pat on the back and a gold star.

so do i really want to go back and say "i don't feel so good"? do i really want that pat on the head to become a slap on the hand, and my gold star to tarnish?

or do i stay silent, and just try to "suck it up"?

my father used to say, "Meredith, you're just a very sensitive girl. Sometimes TOO sensitive."

(my fault. my fault? my fault...)

over the past year or so, i've noticed my lows get lower. i'm not sad ALL the time. but the valleys have become deeper, and harder to hike up and out of.

i often feel as if i'm gazing at myself from the outside in. observing the form and (dys)function. learning my craft. the fine art of deception, insofar as much as showing the world that i'm not that bad off. i'm living life and doing well, thanks.

this is not to say that it's all tragic, all the time. the majority of the time, i'm good. but there is that smidgen. that sliver. the fraction of time when it's so horrible, so ugly, that i try so hard to repress it.

the part of me that needs to cry for help the loudest, is the part of me that i strangle and stifle the most.

a few people have seen this side. i curse myself for this. admonish myself for my lack of self-control. how DARE i show my worst weaknesses? why would i willingly give the world a direct view of the reason WHY they shouldn't love me?

i waffle back and forth between wanting to explain, justify, and validate my "sickness", and wanting to deny that it's even there.

this is such a strange time for me to even contemplate all this...since i'm actually happy. not artifically colored or flavored happy.

happy happy.



posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

7:22 p.m.
prev :: next


meredithelaine's recently played tracks:

meredithelaine's most played tracks of the past week:

  • Check out our Frappr!