never did i think i'd be back
san diego has been good and bad to me. good in that i've made some awesome friends, become a karaoke queen, and now live with the man that i love.
the bad side is that i have been continually sick in one form or another, i'm deeper in debt than ever, and i've gained over 50 pounds since i've been here. the weight gain is probably what kills me most. because that affects everything else. my self-esteem is at an all-time low. i don't feel attractive or worth anything. i think this is affecting my relationship negatively.
i'm currently out of work because i made a mistake and took a new job at the recommendation of a friend. it was a disaster and i quit. so now i am low on money. and i have nothing to do (besides look for jobs and interview) but sit and think about how worthless i am. i DWELL on this shit constantly. there are times where i just sit and cry. there are times where i think, "i don't want to be here anymore" - here being this planet, this life.
and i don't want to bother anyone with my blah blah blah whiny bullshit, because everyone is DONE with that noise. i've exhausted people's capacity to care. i often feel like i've exhausted MY capacity to care. not about others, but about ME.
i just needed to get this out. i'll be okay; i always am and i always get by.
posted by: less-than3
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